sarcasm

tonight, in the name of trendy social interaction, i used a weapon that i haven't employed in quite a long time... sarcasm. and now that i am back home, lying here in this bed, with my perceived threat being at least 10 miles away from me, i see what i have done... i see that it was wrong.

i use sarcasm often as innocent humor... because as we all know, this is a very acceptable and much admired skill to master in our culture. inherently, i have no problem with it at all - and i never have. however... admittedly - most of the time when i use sarcasm in a large group of people, it is not because i am funny - it is because i am attempting to defend myself, by the art of deflection. and tonight, although nobody else in the room knew it except me, i know it was not a sense of humor that provoked me to speak... it was fear. it was feeling vulnerable in front of him. not knowing what to say and how to act, not wanting to look him in the eyes. they all laugh - they always do... but i know exactly how unfunny it is. words are my escape - they always have been. and once again, with my craft i created a path that i thought i needed, as a means of escape from a perceived evil... and i sprinted down it with no plan further than to flee.

and now i am lying here, regretting it... even though nobody knew but me.

- - -

so it has been confessed, and i know that it is forgiven... and now i inquire and pray that the Lord will calm the very fears that make me feel the need to wield such weapons - and that He will continue teaching me to trust Him to create a way of escape if it is needed... and until He does, that i will wait more patiently than i did tonight... and around me, let the battle rage as it may.