blankets and stars

in five hours, i will be sitting at Red Robins, savoring the taste of one of the few burgers i have consumed in 2009. i will be sitting there with a few of the dearest, most beautiful people in my world. after consuming our splurge of way too much red meat and french fries, we will go on a carriage ride in the freezing cold, sitting underneath blankets and stars... and i already can imagine how wonderful that moment is going to feel.

- - -

this coming thursday may be my last day ever as a student.

i remember feeling this same way, when i finished my senior year finals in college... i didn't know whether i would ever go back to get my Masters degree - the goodbye felt so final.

and now, 2.5 years later, i am preparing for potentially another goodbye to the academic lifestyle and calendar that i feel fits me so well... University of Memphis has chosen to no longer offer or continue their Master of Science degree in Merchandising - which means that i very well may have no other options available to me to continue my studies in this field. when i found out this news a couple weeks ago, my heart was distraught... there is no other word for what i felt. after three years of attempting to pour myself into various endeavors, to find something that fits, to secure a place in this life that feels like my very own - after finally feeling like i had found a foothold in pursuing this degree... oops.

is that all that this is? is that all that it was?... an oops?

it's really hard not to question your steps and your judgements, when something this bizarre happens - when the very well planned, very well thought through, prayed over and seemingly blessed "2 year plan" goes up in smoke.

but i remember a few years ago while i was still in college, a teacher at church on sunday morning gave me some advice i will never forget again in moments like these. she told me to never doubt in the darkness what God proved to be true in the light... such wise counsel, for when everything inside me wants to analyze, break things down, re-think, formulate a plan, fix this. her advice is just another way of saying... be still.

i hear advice like this so often lately... how young we all are, and how much time we have to figure out what we want to do. how life is too short to worry and fret the moments away. how the God who lights my path will always seem to light it only one step at a time. how i need to dream big. how i need to start small. how much truth and beauty there is to see in all of this, if we can only rest and be still and know that He really is who He says. and that the love He extends to us really does extend to little tiny things like Masters degrees, monthly bills, doorway kisses, job interviews, decorating christmas trees, and making grocery lists.

... be still.

so i am going on a carriage ride tonight. i will be full from good food and will be bundled up with wintery attire, perhaps beyond recognition. i will be in the arms of or otherwise surrounded by people that i adore.

and no matter what happens tomorrow,

tonight there will be blankets and stars.