Loaves and Fish

"As evening approached, the disciples came to Him and said, 'This is a remote place, and it's already getting late. Send the crowds away, so they can go to the villages and buy themselves some food.' Jesus replied, 'They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat.' 

'We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish,' they answered.

"Bring them here to me," He said.

And He directed the people to sit down on the grass. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, He gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then He gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples pieced up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. The number of those who ate was about five thousand men, besides women and children."

(Matthew 14:15-21, New International Translation)

- - -

Sometimes, I forget that I serve a God who can multiply loaves and fish. Who can feed and satisfy multitudes of hungry human beings, with miracles wrought wholly from the power within His name. I forget that He is this powerful... this thorough. I forget that He is this incredible - and my forgetfulness seems to always occur right when I need to cling to that remembrance the most.

Case in point...

My husband and I are on the cusp of making a huge decision, regarding a piece of real estate we are daring to dream will very soon by our home. A house with an actual backyard, a garage, a staircase that is all our own, and a mailbox... An actual mailbox, that sticks in the ground, and establishes us as part of a community of other mailboxes, in an actual neighborhood, that the pizza delivery guy doesn't have to press a gate-code to get into. And with an actual flower-bed... a pretty little bed to put pretty little flowers in, that tell all the neighbors something about the type of people we are, and the flowers we like.

It's one of our hugest dreams, at the cusp of becoming a reality... are there words to describe this?

In this process, we have found ourselves at the mercy of many people, making lots of decisions, that effect our lives in tremendous ways. It is an understatement to call this process a mere 'roller coaster'. It's a tornado, a sky-dive, a marathon, a timed test, a minefield of legal jargon, a brain-teaser that is never solved, a puzzle whose pieces keep growing in number, and yes... definitely a roller coaster.

We are thrilled. We are exhausted. We are GIDDY. We are scared. Scared to hope for something so big to us - something so close to our hearts. We think we are prepared - we've got two amazing sets of parents on either side of us, offering their wisdom, support, past experiences, and sage advice. Yet still the questions overwhelm:

Will our money be enough? Will our knowledge of this process be enough? Will we fail to see something we need to see? Is our concept of the responsibility that home ownership is... enough?

I was on the phone tonight with Tim (who is currently in Missouri), talking through some of the hundreds of decisions we are "needing" to make right now... It has been a packed 48 hours, full of as much productivity and progress as we can stand - but still, there are so many steps ahead of us. In a moment of feeling overwhelmed (yet sane), I suddenly blurted out to him, "I just feel we are loaves and fish."

In my heart, what I meant by that was... I can't make these pieces come together, in a way that makes sense, and I can't make more of what we have. We have this hunger in our hearts, and it's huge, and there is no way we can satisfy this hunger on our own. There is no way we can keep up with this timeline, and finish fast enough... unless God steps in and multiplies our efforts.

And here is the truth... we cannot seem to keep ourselves from dreaming and hoping for this thing to happen. We cannot keep ourselves from praying that the details would fall into perfect place. That the timing would work out perfectly. That we would see clearly every piece that goes into this decision... that our minds would not fail us, our bodies could hold up within the momentum, and our souls would find rest in perfect Peace.

In short, we cannot keep ourselves from praying for a miracle.

- - -

In these moments, I forget that God has a history of performing much bigger miracles than these. That the same God who turned five loaves and two fish into enough food to feed thousands of people, could make the details align for my current situation.

The One who walked on water, turned water into wine, healed the sick, made manna fall from heaven, cast out demons, turned a sea into a hallway, and rose from the dead... this is the One, to Whom we pray.

How quickly I forget. And how sweet, clarifying, and humbling it is, to remember it once more.

No matter where this process takes us, we are thrilled to be on this journey. If this particular door closes, we cannot help but keep anticipating even greater things ahead of us. The excitement is palpable, and we are being stretched to our limits - but if this actually does work out the way that we hope, then it will surely not be the first time that God will have performed a miracle, with what seemed to be nothing but a few loaves and fish.

There is power in His name, and the works of His hands.

And no matter if we become homeowners soon, or not... those are the hands, in which we rest tonight.