Not So Self-Discovering

discover:

1. to see, get knowledge of, learn of, find, or find out; gain sight or knowledge of (something previously unseen or unknown)

2. to notice or realize

3. to make known; reveal; to disclose...

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A couple of week ago, I was reading through Psalms 119 and had an epiphany: I am not my own creator. The implications of this one truth upon my life have already proven to be innumerable. 

Obviously, if I am not my own creator, then it must (logically) follow that I was created by someone other than myself... this much, I have known since I was a child. But the 'epiphany' portion for me as a 28 year old, was this:

If I did not create myself, and Someone else did, then the One who did create me is the only One who knows the full scope of what I was intended for and what I am capable of being... 

Furthermore, at any given moment, He is the only One who knows fully who I am. My inner thoughts, my capacities, my strengths, my weaknesses. I am fully disclosed before One person, only... the One who thought me up and breathed life into me.

This is a comforting truth, absolutely - but it is also a terrifying one! "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." (Proverbs 9:10) And so begins the understanding...

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At any given moment, I would love to say that I could give a basic accounting of what is going on in my heart or in my mind - it's the mark of an introvert, to be introspective... so it's not rocket science. Add in the fact that I am a female, and that I have a passion for the artistic expression of Truth - and you may receive a pretty thorough analysis of "me", at any given moment, if you should ever choose to ask for it.

But the humbling truth is - I actually have NO true concept of myself, outside of Christ and what He reveals to me. 

If fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, then any 'wisdom' worth value must come from that Source. If understanding is most directly supported by a knowledge of the Holy One, then any hope of self-discovery or self-enlightenment must not actually be that at all - but discovery of the One who first created and ordained all there was to disclose. This is why Christ tells us in the Bible to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all the other things we seek will be added (Matthew 6:33). He knew our desire to discover - He created us to find Him, over and over again.  

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All of this culminates and concludes itself in my heart as the following truth... I do not know what I need. 

I do not know what I should pray, or what I should strive to become, or what I should endeavor to accomplish. 

I do not know how my life is going to look when I am 40. I do not know how much money we will need next year, to sustain ourselves and our home. I do not know how long my car will hold out, or know the names of my (hopefully) future children. I do not know which job will be that 'perfect fit', or even if there is such a thing.

I do not know who to minister to, unless the Holy Spirit leads me to them. I do not know what I am to do with my hands, unless I first acknowledge that Lamp unto my feet (Psalm 119:05). 

I do not know how to love my neighbor, my husband, my brother, my parents. I do not know how to love... Until He discloses. Until He illuminates. Reveals. Gives understanding. Begins wisdom and proffers knowledge. 

For after all - I did not create myself. But I am fully known, fully loved, and fully discovered by the One who did. This is the truest form of self-discovery... to not discover yourself, but Someone else entirely. The Only one worth finding.