Silent Night

Peace...

It's the one word that summarizes this moment, as I sit in this oversized reading chair, waiting until the very last second to turn on the lamp beside me. The light is fading even earlier than it did yesterday, and our christmas tree is prematurely lit in anticipation of the ensuing contrast it will build against the darkening sky outside the window. I am watching this illusion unfold - that the christmas lights appear stronger and brighter every second, when in actuality they are just as bright as they have been for the past twenty minutes while I've been staring at them. Isn't that sometimes exactly how it feels... the light seems ever brighter, even though the darkness of the unknown deepens? To know that such a Light reigns in my heart is a comforting thought, tonight.

- - -

My mother came to visit me this past weekend, but she left yesterday afternoon - and my husband will be out of town for two more weeks. Suffice it to say, this first day of once again being "just me" has held a poignant mixture of quiet moments, busy errand-running, rich musings, melancholy piano playing - and of course the daily manna of coffee and a good book. It has been a nice day, but now that it is growing darker outside I am once again inside these four walls, contemplating this Christmas tree, and daydreaming about all that lies ahead... "For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

And there are quite a lot of 'all things' going on lately in this household, and there has been a lot of prayer recently about what specifically 'the good' will actually look like for Tim and Lauren, and what, after all, does it mean to exist each day as 'according to His purpose'? 

And the real question is - how do people spend nights out on the town when there are such things to pray about and ponder, and when there are pretty Christmas trees to look at? I may never understand... alas, my dispensation towards all things quiet. I shall sit here thinking my tree looks lovely and be quite content... bring out the eggnog.

- - -

In just a few short months, my life's daily lineup and my heart's prayerful utterances will have changed significantly. Tim will start a new job in February, we will begin our house-hunting in the Spring, and I will be the aunt of a fresh new nephew sometime in April. My parents will from now on carry the title of 'grandparents', my involvement at church continues to broaden my life here in inexhaustible ways, and my roots are finally beginning to feel like such in this still very new Nashville soil.

I have decided that I would like to have long hair again, and I will probably change my mind back and forth again at least three times before Christmas. Today, I experienced the victory of jeans that fit as if they were custom-made, though it is true that one day's victory may the next day fit quite differently - but at least there are healthy recipes and pictures on Pinterest to keep me motivated for that Cruise we will be taking at the end of January. And speaking of Pinterest... oh, how I love thee, though I have chosen to cast thee aside for the remainder of Advent.

My breathing is still not as normal as it used to be, but I am learning to trust in God for my breath. Tim's and my plans are being laid out before us, but it is the Lord who we pray to, that He would determine our steps. To the right or to the left, might He lead us... might He hem us in and protect us, might He shine His face upon us and bring us peace? Christmas time is here, happiness and cheer - and all the other things as well. He knows them all. He is working them together. For good.

- - -

Now it is fully dark out, and the leaves outside are being pushed and played by the wind, hitting the window in these final stanzas of their autumn rhapsody. I briefly stepped outside to feel the first movement of tomorrow's storms rolling in, and allowed my heart's own rhythm to engage fully with the tumult... then came back inside quickly, shutting the door to the tumult and entering once again into this tree-lit, silent night.

There are things He has given, there are things to be grateful for - and the fullness is like a light inside me, casting the shadows away. Even with a husband that is away and a blanket of unknowns dark outside the window, the Light shines ever brighter and clearer inside in this home tonight - bringing peace.

Silent night... holy night.