pride

About an hour ago, I pulled back into our apartment community after having a late dinner at Qdoba with a friend. I parked my car, gathered my purse packed full of all my little resources, unplugged my phone from its charger, stepped out of my car and out of my self-contained world... and smelled Autumn.

The firewood, coming from some house nearby. The briskness of the air. The dampness of looming rain. A trace of grass, a hint of earth... and my heart ached. Standing there in the parking lot, at 9:00 on a Thursday night, I found myself sensing this earth so fully that I ached with longing for its Maker. He's been beckoning me out from underneath myself all day today - and there was something about getting out of my car and stepping unguarded back into the world He has made, that was just enough to set me free to surface.

Peace can only reclaim and redeem, once pride has moved to die.

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Since my last blog, I have still been wrestling with some (as yet) un-defined health issues. Word is still out whether or not this is all due to some temporary stress and anxiety, or whether there is something medically that can easily be identified and cured with some physical TLC or prescriptions. Who knows. But either way, in the meantime the Lord has continued working on my heart in the area of casting my anxieties and my cares upon Him... and I mean, working. Here is a verse that I have been committing to memory, and really meditating on the past couple weeks:

"Therefore, humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time; casting all your cares upon Him, because He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:6-7)

This verse has been causing me to re-evaluate some habits in my life. I've been realizing that sometimes I pray more like a victim, than a daughter. I cast my cares upon Him, more as a last-ditch effort to retain some peace in my mind... rather than a deliberate and confident action of giving Him control. My last post focused on the elimination of fear in one's life, and the action of turning our anxious hearts to God in full trust. This week, I've been learning more about the elimination of pride, and the action of dying to myself - including those parts of myself and my life that I decide are worthy to worry about.

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In my small group this past Tuesday, we talked about our rights... rights as humans, Americans, women, Christians, etc... things we feel entitled to in this life, and why we feel entitled to them. We were considering that most of the time when people get angry, it is because we feel that some right of ours - some sense of entitlement - has been infringed upon. Whether that means being misunderstood when you felt the right to be fully understood; or not being compensated for work you felt you should have been compensated for; or even feeling a lack of reciprocation of love offered to a friend or a spouse... most of the time, when we get angry, it is because we feel like one of our rights has been disregarded. We are a people who anger quickly and hold our rights as righteous things, worthy of defending - worthy of talking to God about - and ultimately, worthy of nursing anxiety over.

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I've never considered myself to be a quickly-angered person. At least on the surface, I tend to think I'm pretty good at being diplomatic, gracious, and courteous... but it's amazing what one verse from Scripture and a small group discussion on rights can do to change my opinion of myself.

Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God, indeed.

This week, I've realized how irritable I get when I have to wait at a red light. How impatient I am with customers who fish out change from their billfolds at the counter, when I'm ringing them up. How quick to judge I am when I see a girl who I think is prettier than me at Starbucks (because there must be something wrong with her personality, right?!)

I've realized how quickly frustrated I get when there is bad phone service when Tim tries to call me from the road. How quickly I mark someone off as ignorant or lazy. On and on it goes... and underneath that sociably admirable exterior I thought I had, I am actually a lot more quick to anger than I thought. I am quick to jump to my own defense, or even at times my own exaltation.

I feel a lot more entitled than I thought I was, to a lot more things than I thought I was hanging onto... and I seek to maintain a lot more control of my life, than I realized.

Is it any wonder, that it sometimes feels impossible to cast my anxieties and my cares upon Him? He is lovingly, patiently showing me this week that in order to truly cast my cares upon Him, I must first be humble before Him... and that includes being humble before all the other people He came to save. Only then can I really have a heart that is fully trusting, fully quiet, fully still -

Fully healed and finding rest - free from worry, empty of anxiety, and fully understanding of the One who defends rights, exalts the humble, and sets still the anxious heart.