walls

tonight, i was told by a new friend that i needed to blog more.

- - -

it is amazing to me that this morning and this night are from the same day. i am exhausted, but my mind is awake - i am laying here in my bunk, wielding thoughts into rhymes and making sudden poetry of the daily details i thought were nonsense. i am rehashing, reliving this day, and in some ways mentally rehearsing how i pray to act tomorrow. my heart is alive and anticipating in ways i don't understand. out here on the open road, there is no one who knows me - no one who knows where i grew up, no one who knows any of my stories or the things that make me come alive... no one who knows my victories, or my scars. it is a clean slate on this tour. it's weird... this "trying" to be real. and yet - it is very much a discipline, to live honestly and humbly, with no pretense, and with an open heart ready to love. for someone who has learned to keep the guard up, what could be harder than to deliberately keep it down? tearing down walls - or having them broken through - is a nasty business... it leaves one tired at the end of the day. but the result? the result, is that when those bricks and that mortar begin to fissure and crumble... all of a sudden, you can see for miles.

- - -

i was reading in Matthew this morning and was rediscovering this truth - just how much God, through His Son Jesus, and now through His Holy Spirit, truly has always pursued and known our hearts. He loves us. 2 Corinthians 3:17 says that where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. bringing this home for me today... when a heart is free, it does not hold up walls. when we are called to love, it is holding nothing back. it is how He has loved us. freedom leaves no reason for pretense, and it leaves no right to pride... freedom helps us see for miles.

so as i sit here rethinking every word i said, every smile i gave, every effort that failed, every insecurity that owned my moments... tomorrow, i have one goal: and that is to remember, He has made me free.

free to love. to be a friend. to reach out. to serve. to smile. to be real. to just be. and all the while... i am free to get to know His heart even a bit more than i did today. His mercies wait new for me in the morning.

in Love's security, there is no need for walls.