keep me empty, keep me full

last night, i got home from work at 5:07 p.m. normally, the first thing i would do after getting home would be to cook up something for dinner. but last night, i wasn't hungry. i've been really sick for the past week, and i can tell that my body is still far from normal in regards to having an appetite and enjoying food. all i'm craving lately is crackers, sweet tea, and mashed potatoes... seriously. needless to say - i wasn't hungry. so... no need for dinner.

my apartment is clean, since i made sure of that fact before leaving it and beginning my holiday vacation last wednesday... so there was nothing needing to be done last night. no dishes to wash, no vacuuming, no showers needing to be cleaned... nothing.

and although my TV now works again (thanks to good ol' dad), i had absolutely no desire to watch it last night. i didn't want to watch another movie or let my brain numbingly waste away to the droning one-liners of a sitcom... yuck. just didn't want to do it.

and - surprise of all surprises - i didn't even want to read anything... and i always want to read something. there was actually a moment last night when i was sitting indian style in front of my larger bookcase, filled with tons of new books from Christmas alone... and as my eyes were going right to left, left to right, reading all the titles that would normally induce or incite some hunger in me... nothing.

that's when i knew.

- - -

i sat down in the middle of my living room floor, and i laughed. and then i wept. i did both, because of how obvious it all was... how intricate the moment, and how relentlessly pursuing He is... this God who knows me. that He would design, from the moment of my first existence, a chasm in my heart to be filled by Him alone. for those nights He foreknew, when i would be lonely and listless, with nobody to talk to. for those evenings of quiet that so many others would covet, where no responsibilities pull for my attention or my time. for the moments when all i want is some assurance that my dreams and hopes are still being guarded and tended by His hands...

for those times, when i feel need beyond what i understand.

setting all else aside, life becomes a very simple thing. talking with Him is the only thing that satisfies. as i would to a friend, a lover, a husband... all these things that i crave - He is.

and what was empty, begins to slowly fill again.

- - -

in six days, i will get on a tour bus... and that is all i know. i have no idea what "exactly" i will be doing, or who i will be in contact with. i have no idea who will be the friends, and who will be the thorns, and who i will keep company, and who will keep me sane. but i will get to meet some new people and some new challenges... and for that, i am THRILLED! to most of my sleep, long showers, and structure, i have already said my goodbyes - but such is the price of some adventures, and my hopes are high. *equally proportionate, so are my fears. but what else is new... :)

i am achingly ready for the busy, the call times, the problem-solving, the introductions, the music, (THE MUSICIANS!), the small living spaces, the large auditoriums, the noise, the purpose... after months of quiet and preparation, this just may be the river in the wilderness. for this changing of season... i am grateful. for the changing back when it is through... Lord, continue preparing this heart.

and wherever this road goes in the meantime -

keep me empty, to keep me full of You.