who am I?

every once in a while, it is necessary to take a good long look at yourself... and take note.

the quirks, the struggles, the silly nothings, the God things... a personality, a spiritual gifting, a heart's calling - all mushed (or weaved?) together somehow under flesh and bone. it's humbling to take that look... it's also somewhat entertaining. it's all part of this relationship with God... the more the relationship grows, the more you learn about Him and about yourself.

if you've been reading through these blogs lately, you've probably glimpsed in some degree the state of my heart - the good and the bad of it. there's been a lot of doubting lately of some things that months ago i would have said were as solid as could be... and as always, i tend to write in enormous quantities when things in my life get unclear. words are merely words - but sometimes the Lord really uses them to help bring things into focus for me... and i truly hope that along the way, other travelers are encouraged by all these worded wanderings.

anyway.

one of the questions that has lately been difficult to answer is the "simple"... who am I? and praise God, there are hundreds of verses in the Bible that help define both the root of that question and its answer. i am adopted as a child of God (Ephesians 1), i am redeemed and complete in Christ (Colossians 1-2), i am secure and free (Romans 1), my body is God's temple and my heart is His home (1 Corinthians 3), i am created uniquely by Him (Ephesians 2), He knows the desires of my heart and has set me apart that I might know Him more (Psalms). in Christ and by His power, i am able and called to be light in a dark place, salt to the earth, a helper of the weak, a defender of the defenseless, a lover of my enemies, an encouragement to the church, a singer of eternal songs, a burden lifter, a cross bearer, a servant, a warrior, a friend, a sister, a living evidence of God's mercy and love.

... and that is just the "spiritual" part. (as if you could really separate it out like that... i know.)

but then there is all the other stuff. the sticky human stuff like hair color and shape and size and loudness of voice and sense of humor... and the internal juxtapositions of extroversion and introversion, passivity and motivation, emotional and analytical... hundreds and thousands of genetic dispositions and conceptions and passions - all vying for the leading role, day after day after day.

and then there is the media.

and then there are all the other people we compare ourselves to.

and then there is that one perfect version of ourself that we wish we were...

and then there is the actual person we are.

so... Lord help me, but remind me again... who am I?

- - -

here is what i have noted in my wanderings... after 25 years, even through all that has changed, a few things have definitely remained consistent - some good, some desperately needing continued sanctification... but me. in progress.

(this is just the fun part... so, thank you reader, for bearing with me as i wander)

i have a tender heart.

i am not easily moved, but i am too easily shaken.

i like salty foods more than sweets.

i am easily entertained, though my laugh is quiet.

i can be extremely defensive... i hate it.

i am greatly inspired by weather and color.

i turn red any and every time i am sharing my true feelings or opinions,

on any subject, to anyone.

i am attracted to witty, smart people.

i notice details.

i find it annoying when people make appeals to my emotions.

i encourage people through words.

i put way too much emphasis on the words they offer back to me.

i could sit and read all day long, every day.

i want to be a wife and a mom. and an author.

and a coffee barista extraordinaire.

i want to be these things all at the same time. and all right now.

and forever.

i am trying to get this right.

my life is not my own.

...

my name is Lauren...

nice to meet you.