sigh. shrug. single.

for the past couple days, i've been housesitting for a couple who live here in town... i'll be here for the next week, along with their puppy Biltmore and two inches of precariously solid ice coating their driveway.

house sitting for someone always provides subtle changes to the daily routine... learning how to operate all the various components within the media console, getting used to the water pressure in the shower, comprehending the beeps and noises of various appliances throughout the house at various times of day and night... it's all a bit strange. much better than a hotel - but still not home. kind of lonely actually. not in a deep, raw, "alone" lonely kind of way... just sort of a sigh, a shrug, the faintest feeling of listlessness. i'm glad Biltmore is here.

- - -

i made chocolate chip cookies earlier... three, actually. the cheap, delicious Tollhouse kind that are already separated into individual serving-size portions - seemingly justifying those moments when a person who is housesitting and feeling a bit listless should think to themselves "i would like to make chocolate chip cookies, even though it is just for myself"... how American - how delicious.

- - -

but this chocolate cookie baking and this housesitting thing both got me thinking about being married someday... and about how (if the man is decent and good and normal) i will never ever ever have to make only three chocolate chip cookies again - because there will be somebody else there with me, who will also want chocolate chip cookies as much as i do... and three is far too few cookies to bake for two people who adore chocolate chip cookies as much as we will.

someday.

and if a random appliance starts beeping, or if there is a two-inch-thick sheet of precariously solid ice covering the driveway, then there will be somebody with me who can help solve the enigma of the incessant beeping... and there will be somebody to slide down the driveway with me.

- - -

i don't write on this subject much... for good reason. it is often complicated, and always gritty, and to write truly about it is near impossible anyway, because its roots reach into wordless places. it is much easier to be vague or simply avoid the topic altogether - allowing everyone to blissfully assume you are perfectly okay with being single. with being able to housesit whenever and make some extra cash. with being able to take a roadtrip whenever you want. with being able to go hang out with any person of the opposite gender you deem worthy for the moment. yes, absolutely, insert smile here, you are perfectly okay making three chocolate chip cookies at a time.

... and some days you really truly are.

some days you are excited to be at this place. some days you relish the freedom of it. you can pass by him in his car and keep your eyes on the road. on these days, you praise God for this time of solitude, you accept it and understand it as a unique blessing - a unique calling placed on your life for a period of time, for your good, for His glory.

... and then, there are some days when you are house sitting with a puppy named Biltmore - and you decide to bake some chocolate chip cookies, and are suddenly blindsided and acutely aware of the quantity you are baking. some days you miss him so much that his name is the full content of your prayers. some days, despite all your best intentions to not think about it, not dwell on it, not wish for it, it just sits there in front of you, innocuously resting on a cookie sheet, staring you down... that age old aching question, why?

- - -

in these moments, honestly there is not much i am able to put into words. but here is what i cling to...

when the minutes are listless, when my heart begins to tremble,

when the dreams begin to feel like they will always, only be just dreams,

He is gentle.

He is strong.

He is steadfast.

He is enough.