Snow Day

"Then David the king went in and sat before the Lord and said, 'Who am I, O Lord God, and what is my house that You have brought me this far? This was a small thing in Your eyes, O God...  For You, O My God, have revealed to Your servant that You will build for him a house; therefore Your servant has found courage to pray before You.'"

1 Chronicles 17:16-17a, 25

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I woke up into a soft, whitened world. A blizzard it may not be, but then again... since when has joy been competitive? It exists or it doesn't, regardless of measure. The snowflakes drift and scurry through the air, seeking a place to land ... and I'm happy. It's day three of being a stay-at-home-mom, and as I wait for my daughter to wake up I'm sitting here staring out the snowy window with one question hovering.

... Why me?

As King David confessed to God after being chosen to rule Israel, the goodness of this new circumstance is hard for me to comprehend. I haven't been crowned king of a nation, but in the emotional realm isn't that how this feels? The past few days whenever I've stopped to quiet myself and pray for one reason or another, it's permeated all I am. Why, Lord? Why us? Who am I, and what is my household that You would bless us in this way? The words are on pages for me to read from thousands of years ago, and they echo in my own heart.

In a world where I am programmed to expect the other shoe to drop at any moment, grace is sometimes a difficult thing for me to understand and accept. And yet.

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When I was considering quitting my job and coming home to stay, there were some anxieties I had to work through before the Lord. As mentioned in a previous blog post - I have always known I'd eventually come home, at some point - and even when we were dating, my (now) husband affirmed and supported that desire. Having a baby further solidified things for me, and it would only be a matter of time. All this I knew.

Still, when it came to actually putting the plan in motion - discussing the actual timeline, the significant financial impact, the things we'd lose in the process, the things we'd gain, the logistics and potential challenges of having two adults at home all the time - unexpected doubts and fears starting flying like arrows, and hitting me in places I didn't know were vulnerable.

I suddenly could recall in vivid detail every stereotype I've ever heard about "stay at home moms", and I began to fear on a very personal level that in the eyes of the world, my value would depreciate. There were days I doubted my own assurance and the peace I'd always felt about being well-suited for this. In short, I couldn't figure out which I was more afraid of - that I would actually lose part of my identity, or that people would assume I had.

It sounds funny now, but isn't that how it so often is when we look back on our fears? There were a few weeks in a row when the doubts flew at me like arrows. Sharp, pointed, Pinterest-fail-looking ones. Letting go of my role at work began to feel a lot like taking off a shield or other vital piece of armor, leaving me exposed. For the first time when looking at this dream of my heart, I felt afraid. It took a couple months to fully work through some of those things in my heart, and to confess my pride.

It's the same old struggle again and again, with a different face... Where does my value come from? Whose am I, and what has He called me to? What will please Him and Him alone? What has He placed on my heart to do with this day, this life? Regardless of what everybody else does or doesn't do, this is my life... my offering, to a gracious God. What will I do with it?

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So here I find myself. Day three into this adventure. There is snow on the ground, the smell of coffee fills our home, and my husband just walked into the kitchen whistling. Baby girl will be up soon, but for now there is the precious silence and solitude that awakens my soul like nothing else can ever do. Prayers rise to the ticking of the clock on the wall as I take a cursory glance at today's list of things to accomplish, and recognize this feeling in my heart to be joy. 

"For You, O My God, have revealed to Your servant that You will build for him a house; therefore Your servant has found courage to pray before You.' " (1 Chronicles 17:25)

The arrows fall away.