Of Pain, Melodies, and Silences
And so I wait, for the sun to rise again.
For dawn to break, and thaw
this cold winter season of a soul.
All I ask is that You keep me,
on this night when all feels cold,
in this darkness... Lord, stay near me,
in this cold winter season in my soul.
Journal entry, Circa 2001
- - -
Everyone has known, or will know, their own share and shape of sorrow. Every person is different, every story is different... but hurts will be felt in this life, and our God promises to restore us to wholeness in Himself once those hurts are upon us. No one can escape the reality of pain.
Gratefully, no one's pain or circumstances escapes the reach or reality of God's mercy, either.
The Bible teaches quite a lot about pain. It mentions it often, explains how it began to appear in our world, describes its reality as a catalyst for spiritual growth in the life of a Christian, assures its inevitability, and provides us with the answer of its ultimate purpose in our lives as Christians, if we allow God to use it is such a way...
To draw us farther away from ourselves, our self-sufficiency, our pride - and draw us nearer to Christ.
- - -
I have been thinking a lot about the issue of pain lately, in the lives of Christians especially. I see it impacting people around me in such large ways, both close and far away. I wrestle with it sometimes in my own heart, or in my own home or family.
And what I've unfortunately grown to recognize more, is that when painful times come, I so often find myself getting immediately distracted with the "way" I'm dealing with it... rather than just allowing myself the grace and the freedom to grieve. To kneel. To cry. To ask tough questions. To let go. To lean hard into God's mercy, in all of my brokenness, and allow Him to heal me from the inside out.
To embrace where the Lord has me, even in the midst of pain.
- - -
The title of my blog was birthed from a painful time in my life... Melodies and Silences. And the things I learned during that season, were the foundation for my testimony.
In the melodies and in the silences, He has never failed to speak.
Years ago, I walked through a dark time that found me reaching out for God in a way I had never done before. My circumstances at that time were such that I couldn't seem to see my way in front of me. It was a painful time in my life.
One evening, I was sitting at the piano, and my fingers fell upon a chord that made me cry. Who knows why these things happen... I sat there for three hours, forming a deep silence into a melody. Forging the hurt into something beautiful, something that people heard for years after in the form of a song that I would play for concerts, youth groups, DNOWs, etc... the Lord formed a song out of pain. It wasn't a novel concept, but it was the first time it had happened to me personally - and it left a monumental mark on me.
I didn't plan it. I wouldn't have chosen the pain. Who wants their life to be material for a lyric that speaks of knowing sorrow? Yet it was, and it sometimes is... and it began a pattern of healthy brokenness in my heart, that I could not have taught myself otherwise. The Lord's will is sovereign, as is His way and method of beckoning us.
Here is one thing I have learned from experience:
He doesn't only beckon us in sunrises and sunsets, but also in darkness, and coldness, and tunnels with no light at their end. He whispers to us in loneliness, reaches to us in our despair, seems closest to us when all others seem to be the farthest away. He becomes everything, when there is nothing. And nothing else seems to matter, when He is everything... not even pain.
- - -
It's always a risk writing a blog like this, because I'm sure people might wonder, What is going on?! ;) Allow me to assure you - this blog was not meant to be morbid or overly downcast. But I do think that pain is a subject that sometimes Christians, and the churches we may have attended at one point or another, have not dealt with as truthfully and vulnerably as its presence demands.
Matthew 11:28 - "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Psalm 73:26 - "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 - "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: A time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant, and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace."
- - -
In our efforts to seek and pursue the joy of Christ, have we become afraid to acknowledge and accept the pain He might choose to be the very thing that forges it...? In our efforts to encourage one another towards Christlikeness, have we forgotten that to be like Him we must be in the practice of crying out to God in brokenness?
Have we forgotten that at times, freedom in Christ might actually look like a freedom to grieve? Sometimes, I think we have, and we do. That is why I am writing this... to encourage another way.
It is a difficult thing, to acknowledge the presence of pain, without falling into the temptation of feeling victimized - and I think this is where a lot of confusion lies, especially for Christians. But it is a spiritual discipline that I'm trying to learn, and get better at. No matter where our pain comes from - whether its from our own sins or the sins of others, or whether its from regular life stressors or even stupid, silly things... doesn't He tell us to confess it all, claim it all, and give it to the Lord with prayer and supplication? (The very word supplication predicates desperation... Just saying.)
- - -
Although this was a heavier entry, this is something that the Lord has been really driving into my heart lately. In all things, I want to continue becoming like Christ - even in the way I deal with pain.
I want to continue learning the joy of leaning hard into His mercy... and once there, learning the freedom of just being me. Whether that moment finds me standing tall and courageous - or unable to stand up at all.
Might I be free to let go, embrace where Christ has me, and trust that He might make my shadow feet to walk on high places once again.
For dawn to break, and thaw
this cold winter season of a soul.
All I ask is that You keep me,
on this night when all feels cold,
in this darkness... Lord, stay near me,
in this cold winter season in my soul.
Journal entry, Circa 2001
- - -
Everyone has known, or will know, their own share and shape of sorrow. Every person is different, every story is different... but hurts will be felt in this life, and our God promises to restore us to wholeness in Himself once those hurts are upon us. No one can escape the reality of pain.
Gratefully, no one's pain or circumstances escapes the reach or reality of God's mercy, either.
The Bible teaches quite a lot about pain. It mentions it often, explains how it began to appear in our world, describes its reality as a catalyst for spiritual growth in the life of a Christian, assures its inevitability, and provides us with the answer of its ultimate purpose in our lives as Christians, if we allow God to use it is such a way...
To draw us farther away from ourselves, our self-sufficiency, our pride - and draw us nearer to Christ.
- - -
I have been thinking a lot about the issue of pain lately, in the lives of Christians especially. I see it impacting people around me in such large ways, both close and far away. I wrestle with it sometimes in my own heart, or in my own home or family.
And what I've unfortunately grown to recognize more, is that when painful times come, I so often find myself getting immediately distracted with the "way" I'm dealing with it... rather than just allowing myself the grace and the freedom to grieve. To kneel. To cry. To ask tough questions. To let go. To lean hard into God's mercy, in all of my brokenness, and allow Him to heal me from the inside out.
To embrace where the Lord has me, even in the midst of pain.
- - -
The title of my blog was birthed from a painful time in my life... Melodies and Silences. And the things I learned during that season, were the foundation for my testimony.
In the melodies and in the silences, He has never failed to speak.
Years ago, I walked through a dark time that found me reaching out for God in a way I had never done before. My circumstances at that time were such that I couldn't seem to see my way in front of me. It was a painful time in my life.
One evening, I was sitting at the piano, and my fingers fell upon a chord that made me cry. Who knows why these things happen... I sat there for three hours, forming a deep silence into a melody. Forging the hurt into something beautiful, something that people heard for years after in the form of a song that I would play for concerts, youth groups, DNOWs, etc... the Lord formed a song out of pain. It wasn't a novel concept, but it was the first time it had happened to me personally - and it left a monumental mark on me.
I didn't plan it. I wouldn't have chosen the pain. Who wants their life to be material for a lyric that speaks of knowing sorrow? Yet it was, and it sometimes is... and it began a pattern of healthy brokenness in my heart, that I could not have taught myself otherwise. The Lord's will is sovereign, as is His way and method of beckoning us.
Here is one thing I have learned from experience:
He doesn't only beckon us in sunrises and sunsets, but also in darkness, and coldness, and tunnels with no light at their end. He whispers to us in loneliness, reaches to us in our despair, seems closest to us when all others seem to be the farthest away. He becomes everything, when there is nothing. And nothing else seems to matter, when He is everything... not even pain.
- - -
It's always a risk writing a blog like this, because I'm sure people might wonder, What is going on?! ;) Allow me to assure you - this blog was not meant to be morbid or overly downcast. But I do think that pain is a subject that sometimes Christians, and the churches we may have attended at one point or another, have not dealt with as truthfully and vulnerably as its presence demands.
Matthew 11:28 - "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Psalm 73:26 - "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 - "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: A time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant, and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace."
- - -
In our efforts to seek and pursue the joy of Christ, have we become afraid to acknowledge and accept the pain He might choose to be the very thing that forges it...? In our efforts to encourage one another towards Christlikeness, have we forgotten that to be like Him we must be in the practice of crying out to God in brokenness?
Have we forgotten that at times, freedom in Christ might actually look like a freedom to grieve? Sometimes, I think we have, and we do. That is why I am writing this... to encourage another way.
It is a difficult thing, to acknowledge the presence of pain, without falling into the temptation of feeling victimized - and I think this is where a lot of confusion lies, especially for Christians. But it is a spiritual discipline that I'm trying to learn, and get better at. No matter where our pain comes from - whether its from our own sins or the sins of others, or whether its from regular life stressors or even stupid, silly things... doesn't He tell us to confess it all, claim it all, and give it to the Lord with prayer and supplication? (The very word supplication predicates desperation... Just saying.)
- - -
Although this was a heavier entry, this is something that the Lord has been really driving into my heart lately. In all things, I want to continue becoming like Christ - even in the way I deal with pain.
I want to continue learning the joy of leaning hard into His mercy... and once there, learning the freedom of just being me. Whether that moment finds me standing tall and courageous - or unable to stand up at all.
Might I be free to let go, embrace where Christ has me, and trust that He might make my shadow feet to walk on high places once again.
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