still my anxious heart

"He will have no fear of bad news; he whose heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord."

Psalm 112:7

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The past few weeks, I have been experiencing something very new and un-welcome in my life. This thing has taken over and largely impacted portions of my days, my nights - my working hours and my resting hours. I've cried about it, worried about it, prayed about it, and even been to see a doctor about it. Although new, I am already fed up with and worn out by this haunting, and highly obtrusive visitor in my life.

Its name is anxiety.

Maybe it has been there for years, lying deep in my heart... cozying itself under good intentions, making its home in my habits, lying sweet and seemingly dormant in the shadows of youth and its freedoms. Or maybe that enemy - that prowling lion who seeks to steal my joy and destroy my spirit (John 10:10, 1 Peter 5:8) - has finally decided to crawl out and expose himself from the bushes that sometimes seem to hide him. Either way - I've been struggling. Either way - the enemy has waged a fresh attack on my spirit, and I've been forced anew to cry out to the God who saves. True to His character, He has already begun to answer.

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For a good portion of the last two weeks, I have been having some difficulty breathing. My chest has been getting kinda tight, my back and stomach have been seizing up, and admittedly - it's a scary feeling. I figured somehow it was from stress, and fortunately I knew enough about stress-related symptoms that via Google, I was able to research the subject sufficiently enough to assure myself that no melodramatic death or Hallmark hospitalization sob-story were in my near future... but still. Breathing is breathing. You either can do it or you can't, and I don't want to have to think about which category I fall into at any given moment. I went to the doctor, just to not be stupid - and sure enough, everything was fine. But in a way, that kind of scared me even more, deep in my heart - because if there isn't anything "wrong" with me, then it really must be just stress.... and I didn't even know that I was that stressed. So if I didn't even know I was, or how I got that way, then I definitely don't know how to fix it. I've made it through college, part of grad school, music tours, bad breakups, and huge life changes, and I've never not been able to breathe... this is new. This is beyond me.

This is humbling.

I'm a Christian! I'm happy! I'm not supposed to be worried or anxious about anything. What does this say of my faith, that I'm struggling with this? That I can't seem to get a grip... Lord, what is going on?

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Yesterday, I decided to lay down and take a nice long nap. I knew that I'd probably sleep for an hour or so, and then when I woke up I would have a couple hours of "free time" before once again joining the world of responsibility. I fell asleep easily, and slept peacefully.

But then I woke up... and literally, after only 5 seconds of peace, my chest seized up and I found myself already anxious about the rest of the afternoon. How should I spend it? What is expected of me? What is the right thing to do with my time? Should I be productive? Should I rest? Am I going to miss an opportunity if I do ____ instead of _____? Maybe I should go be social. But I don't want to be social. But do You want me to be social? My chest hurts. Why does my chest hurt? Is there something wrong with me? It's probably because I'm doing something wrong, somehow. Maybe?

Immediately, I sat up in bed. I was ANGRY. There I was, all alone in the quiet of the room, but my heart was racing as if it was fully engaged in a war. I was angry, that I was such a prisoner of this. Angry, that once again before I seemingly even had a chance, peace was somehow stolen. Anxiety rushed in before I even had a chance to wake up... and I was furious. I immediately began praying out loud. I felt so assaulted. I felt imprisoned, and I felt defeated... and I felt like a veil had been torn from my eyes, as I saw my spirit exposed underneath its secret torment, for the first time in my life.

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Jesus calls us to cast all of our cares upon Him (1 Peter 5). He tells us to be anxious for nothing (Philippians 4). To not worry about what will happen tomorrow (Matthew 6). He tells us that He sees every fallen sparrow, and that He alone clothes even the lilies of the field (Matthew 6, 10). He promises that His yoke is easy, and His burden light (Matthew 11). He has created a time for everything under the sun (Ecclesiastes 3), and His work in us will not be stopped or somehow left unfinished, but will be completed in His perfect timing (Philippians 1).

He assures me in the quiet of my heart, that there is nothing... nothing in my life that is beyond His reach, His love, and His sovereignty. He created me to care about the details, yes - but He did not create me to be controlled by them or overwhelmed by them.

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Since that moment yesterday afternoon, my heart has been beating in a humbled state. There was a veil that was removed from my eyes yesterday, and with the exposure of sin there has come some honest confession, brokenness, and repentance...  but I also feel hopeful about all this, for the first time in weeks. It's a Hope that permeates the practical, and here are some of the practical ways that the Lord has already begun to speak peace and healing to my spirit:

* He alone controls my breath. He pumps the blood through my veins, and makes sure that I have enough oxygen to live. This means I do not have to worry about my health.
* He has given me tasks to do each day - and He also has provided me with rest, because He is good and He delights in my pleasure. He will motivate me and alert me to accomplish His good work, when specific things are there needing to be done. Until I hear His instructions, I can rest in His peace. This means I do not have to worry about what my purpose is.
* He sees and watches over my husband, every single moment of every single day that I cannot be with him. He will help him make decisions and lead our home. He will be everything that Tim needs. This means I do not have to worry about him when he is away.
* He does not judge me by the fullness of my calendar. He shares my victories, and encourages me in my endeavors. This means I do not have to worry about the progress I'm making or at times seemingly not making in my social life.
* He does not condemn me for my fears, but merely calls me to trust in Him and cast aside those sins that would bind me. This means I do not have to worry about what is wrong with me.
* He knows every penny that we have, and every penny that we don't. He knows the future of our country, and He knows the financial preparations Tim and I seek to wisely make. He will show us the way. This means I do not have to worry about my future.
* He will not leave me, and I am not alone. If I feel like I am, He invites me into His Word. This means I do not have to worry about feeling lonely sometimes, or what it says of me.

He is good, and He loves me, and His name is Redeemer.

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"I look up to the mountains - does my help come from there? My help comes from the Lord, who made the heavens and the earth. He will not let you stumble and fall; the one who watches over you will not sleep. Indeed, he who watches over Israel never tires and never sleeps. 

The Lord Himself watches over you. The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade. The sun will not hurt you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord keeps you from all evil and preserves your life. The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever."  (Psalm 121)

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This means I do not have to worry... for He is the hope for this anxious heart.