planks and flaws

i've been thinking a lot lately about my flaws... yes, i have many. as they say, even the best ones do! i've been thinking a lot about their origin, specifically. what i mean is this:

it could be argued that all of our flaws are merely a direct byproduct of a vague "sin nature" and therefore have nothing specifically to do with our choices and therefore, cannot really be helped... but as we all know, to eliminate the element of choice is absurd. choice makes nature/nurture a moot issue, in the end. for we all know that although circumstances may effect the level of ease or difficulty of a choice, it is in the end the choice itself that determines everything else.

now that we have the issue of responsibility cleared up, let's revisit those flaws.

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marriage is teaching me some wonderful things. one of those things is that i am loved - truly and entirely. it's teaching me how to laugh at myself more and take myself less seriously. marriage to Tim specifically is teaching me how to trust, how to cook, how to hold moments close, and how to just let some things go. it would be easy to write an entire blog dedicated to the wonderful things i'm learning - but this particular one must be about some not-so-wonderful things i'm learning as well... and for better or for worse, did i not commit to the learnings? so here they are, some of them. drum roll, please... my flaws.

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the Lord is teaching me through marriage, that i do not trust as easily as i thought. i'm learning that some wounds go deeper than flesh, and some scars are just now proving themselves permanently fixed. it is so inconvenient to carry baggage. i'm a lot more skittish than i want to be when i'm talking to new people, and i am a lot less motivated to exercise than i'd hoped i would be. unfortunately, i'm learning that i am impatient when i perceive others to be processing things slower than they should be, and i sometimes tend to be severe in my reactions to others when i feel defenseless against them. often, i am much more sensitive than the situation warrants, and the result is that i isolate myself in an inconsolable bubble that none can burst.

... i know you really want to be my friend now, right?! admittedly - there are large planks in these eyes, and sometimes it is difficult to see beyond them. it could really get a person down. as it should - as it does.

but then, let us not forget, that there is Grace sufficient...

to cover, to carry,

to overcome, to undo,

to heal, to recreate,

to humble, to bind up,

to make new,

and to finish the good work He has begun in each of us, in all of us - for better or for worse.

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i'm hoping that as the years roll on, i will become more sensitive to the Holy Spirit than i am to my hurt feelings. i pray that i grow to trust Tim and the Lord as much as i have grown to trust my gut instincts. i want to become a woman who graciously accepts life, without fear and with an attitude of flexibility... that the planks might grow smaller and the friendships might grow richer. i want to become like Christ, and be a reflection of His love - for there is none like it.

not only was it first and will it be last... but it covers all the flaws in between.