shipwrecked

How many moments have I spent like this... sitting here curled up in my writing chair - with a computer, my journal, my Bible, and a glass of coffee beside me. My glasses are sliding down my nose, my feet are all cozy inside some fabulous socks, and I am going to make this first attempt at writing it all down. And by "it", I mean... any thought presiding in my head at the moment, that i feel could ever be relatable or encouraging (or humorous) to anyone else sitting at home enjoying the cold and candles and coffee. Or, you know... just whoever, really.

- - -

This past week, I had the opportunity to enjoy some time in the Bahamas and Key West, on a cruise. Don't hate me - I needed it. I was getting much too pale - and besides, it is really difficult to worry about your life and all its changes, when you are looking out at the ocean and being captivated by how great a God He must be... you know - just in case you had forgotten it back home.

One night mid-way through the cruise, I was sitting down in my stateroom feeling a bit listless. (Amazing proof that a change of scenery and location can not alone change or fix the state of a person's heart.) I grabbed my Bible and my journal, and headed up to the top deck of the ship. At the time, I didn't know what I wanted. I was frustrated, because here I am on an amazing cruise ship, in the Bahamas, eating fabulous food, having all sorts of entertainment at my fingertips... and my heart still could not find rest. I made my way up the 9 flights of stairs from level 3 to 12, and walked through the automatic sliding doors leading onto the pool deck.

And the minute I stepped outside, I knew it was no accident I had ended up there. I felt very setup, if you'd like to know the truth... but it was the safest feeling I have had in months. Shipwrecked is an appropriate word for it, I believe. It makes sense in my head.

The wind is so strong on the top deck of the ship - and that night especially, it was enough to blow you over if you weren't holding onto the rails. I walked over to the edge of the ship - admittedly, having somewhat of a "Titanic" movie flashback - gripped the rail, closed my eyes... and breathed. I confess... after I exhaled, a sob caught in my throat. It was all so much, packed into that moment. I was staring into the blackness - not being able to tell where the sky and sea separated, not being able to discern anything ahead of me, for hundreds of miles... it was cold, and I had not brought a jacket. It would have been enough, in any other circumstances, to get a person feeling quite forlorn and lost. But with all my heart, I declare this: I have never felt so safe.

Something about standing up there alone, but not really alone, staring into the blackness - feeling all the romance and the power and the excitement and the fear welling up inside my soul... I did the only thing I felt a person could do at that moment.

I surrendered.

My worries. My fears. My hopes. My plans. My longings. My passions. My talent. My calendar. My money. My opinions. My personality. My temptations. My successes. My dreams. My failures. My heart... my life.

It's His. It's all His... Just in case I had forgotten.

- - -

I'm back home now, and it's cold outside. There is no wind, and there is no sea to inspire. You can't see the stars very well from this apartment, and there are street lights that further preclude that type of view. I'm back to using my alarm in the mornings, and tomorrow I will once again have to work for bread. But I will not soon forget that night, and how He powerfully reminded me - of His vastness, His beauty, and His love.

I know that on this earth, there will never cease to be some form of dense blackness that we each will have to wander into at some point or another. And at various times in our lives, we may each find ourselves alone, feeling listless or forlorn on the bough of a ship whose destination lies beyond what we can see. But in those moments... He is safe. And in those moments, there is nothing more real than His love. And no wind, no blackness, no sky or sea will ever be enough to separate us from it. It's enough to strike courage into the most fearful heart. To take that first step, into......