all i need?

I keep turning music on, and then turning it back off again. All genres are falling short today. No previously written song or melody is quite saying what I wish it would… what I wish I could. And since there is no music in this apartment (which is an extremely rare thing), I thought maybe the TV would help. But the TV never really helps… its noise merely prolongs the crashing in of that inevitable moment when the apartment will become quiet and I will only have these thoughts and questions to distract me. I began reading a book, but every perfect metaphor made me think not of what I was reading, but of things that are real (as any perfect metaphor should)… which of course made me close the book and once again, resign myself to listening as my heart thuds hollowly yet still so vitally in my ears.

- - -

This season of life seems to be a very long one... and I admit, my heart is weary. I try to be brave most days, because it’s just what you do. But I’m weary… is that okay to admit? I have been incredibly blessed, in so many ways – and the Lord’s presence and action in my life is unquestionable… this is my foundation, and it won’t be shaken. But still… when this apartment gets quiet, and no media on this earth can distract my heart from what it longs for, all I want to know is… when will this season end? And that is such a tricky question – just go ahead and call me Job, because from what i understand, his understanding and fear of God was tried in a similar way. Because who am I to question God’s timing, and the plans He has for me? Who am I to question His understanding of what I need and long for at the end of the day? Who am I to seek from this life anything more than to have His spirit living in me? He gives. He takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

… But who else do I bring these questions to, if not to Him who knows?

If this season needs to last longer, I want a heart that will embrace it instead of resisting it. That has become my main prayer – morning, night, and all that's between. “Conform my heart.” That I might build the home I crave, not by someone else’s love or lack of it – but by His love, and upon it, and within it… that this season would not be wasted, as I so often fear I allow it to be, by my doubt.

I admit. I’m not there yet… but I want to be.

- - -

There has got to be some song for this. I came pretty close with “Restless” by Audrey Assad… but I’m still not so sure it’s my final choice. Good thing I have a piano in this apartment - there is often much clarity to be found while playing out thoughts onto black and white. I have a feeling it may be a late night... This season does at least afford me some very flexible bedtimes and morning routines – which is a relief, because these late night quiet moments may be the main spiritual catalyst in my life right now. Just a piano and a quiet apartment... so I guess, maybe I’ve got all I need.