to do lists

as if there was any doubt - you get a real big clue that you are, in fact, a list person, when you discover yourself forming different categories of "to do" lists. now, they may be very easy "to do" lists, and they may serve as mere reminders of commonplace things that you might even (and probably would) remember without the written reminder... but nonetheless - once those little details of your world are written down, they somehow morph into a scary big thing called a goal - whether you are aware of it or not, it becomes a solid thing to either accomplish or fail. and if you have multiple, categorized lists of these little things which morph into big scary things, then... well, ha - beware.

too often, this real big clue that you are, in fact, a list person, brings with it an illumination of how stressful you have allowed your days and your life to become... and for a person with such a tendency, God often uses exactly those moments of illumination to soften my structures, to blur the lines i have drawn around myself, and to quite efficiently (albeit gently) obliterate every single one of my "to do" lists. as all of us who have grown up in church-world have probably heard, our God is a jealous God - He will pursue our hearts, whether or not it fits into our schedule. He will drive away distractions, no matter what sense of (short-sighted) purpose or focus we feel we may have suddenly lost for our life in the first moments of that distraction's absence. He removes these things because He has set us apart... He does it because He loves us, and it is a freeing love.

when i was 16, i was just beginning to learn and express my heart and the things God was teaching me, through words and song - and there is one song i wrote then at the beginning of it all, whose lyrics are as follows. almost 10 years ago, one of the most simple songs i've ever written - but it still humbles me the most. It is rare that i can play it through without getting on my face before a Sovereign God, who i so often forget has the desires of my heart in His own.

"God, you know my heart. I've laid it down before You.

God, you know my deep desire - How i only want to honor You.

And I know,

That You've got the desire of my heart -

And You've got it set apart.

And You know the better thing - I've simply got to trust,

That if You choose, not to give me what I want,

You'll give me something better.

Better is Your plan for me,

Better is Your perfect timing.

Better it is, when I look through your eyes.

And I know,

That You've got the desire of my heart -

And You've got it set apart.

And you know the better thing - I've simply got to trust,

That if You choose, not to give me what I want,

You'll give me something better.

Better it is... Better it will be.

And I know.

I know..."

- - -

by mere nature, it may be sometimes easier for me than others to maintain at least some semblance of order to my world... but let me confess, that control which is so easily grasped is sometimes nothing more than a substitute for the freedom i am fearful to claim from His hand. the very details that the Lord designed my mind to see the beauty in can also immediately become my greatest stronghold in this world, if cherished too tightly. such substitutes will never fill my heart with the joy it craves, but in Christ, there is freedom, and in His presence there is fullness of joy. He cannot be bound by lists, and He has not lost His way just because i sometimes i feel that i may have lost mine. He has set each of us apart, and He pursues us jealously until all we desire is His love. He's a really really good God. it blows me away.

... just thought i'd share.