count it all Joy

for the moment, the outside world has been silenced. all that i hear is the sweet, melancholiness of Mae as they sing along to all that is going on inside this other part of the world, which i most affectionately like to call... the inside of my head.

there has been a tension in me today that i accepted upon first waking up, but that i surely hope nobody else except me has recognized as i have progressed (or transgressed?) through the day. it's that all-familiar, infamous tension of being content with where i am, but also wanting to be somewhere else so badly that i can think of almost nothing else. once again, i find myself asking God - is it okay to be restless? even though i find rest in Him... is it acceptable, is it normal, is it holy to still experience a restlessness? St. Augustine would call it this a holy longing, mirroring our eternal displacement and our longing for He who is More. and if i am in fact convinced that there is surely a part of this inside me that is of God - then which part of it is, and which part of it is me just being insecure with where He has me right now?

in our church staff meeting last week, each of us were asked to consider the question... do i give life to people, or do i take it away? how often do people see me having a good day?

and then tonight, i'm reading this in Psalms...

"Make me to hear joy and gladness. Let the bones which You have broken rejoice. Hide your face from my sins and blot out my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence, and do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit... Then my tongue will joyfully sing of Your righteousness. O Lord, open my lips, that my mouth may declare Your praise." (Psalm 51: 8-15)

... and i would be a fool to not see how the two veins of thought relate to one another, and to see how many times joy is mentioned in those few verses. i would be a fool to not strongly consider and pray about the impact that i often allow the "inside of my head" to effect on my words and actions - specifically as they give or take away life from other people that i interact with on a daily basis. it has been very convicting, these past couple days - and it is not the first time that this has come up in my 25 years. quite to the contrary - this has been one of the things i've struggled with most, as i have tried to shed my nature as it was before Christ, in order to be transformed to His likeness. it is the likeness of His joy, and the peace that such joy translates into, which i have so often struggled to mimic. certain areas of my heart have accepted sanctification with much relief and comprehension - but this one area, of experiencing Joy... it is the one thing i crave to show the most, but it is often the hardest thing for me to show. i fear that it often gets stuck underneath the rocks, the "more pressing" things inside my head. even if it is there, i feel sometimes that it doesn't show it's face until it hits the page or has had time to test a safe audience for itself, as it reveals itself slowly and intimately to close friends or family.

i don't want it to be like that. i want to pour life into other people. i want to be Joy walking. i want to share the Hope i have found. i want to point outside of myself. Lord, help me - but i fear that i do not do those things near enough. as i close out this day, i pray that even as early as tomorrow, all that dwells inside my head will not overwhelm all that You are trying to do outside of it. if i am restless, that is okay - but let me be the type of restless that points to holy things... and if my eyes must wander over all that they see, let there at least be something real shining in my eyes as they wander. Father, let it be joy that they see... let it be joy that You see in me.