worry and prayer

it's been a weird day. for an hour, i've been trying to unwind from this day and lay certain matters and thoughts to rest... but i find that i keep on praying. it's a praying that is accompanied by tossing and turning tonight - like i am continually being drawn back up to the surface, away from sleep - as if there is one last breath to catch... a breath that i need.

sometimes i struggle to discern during these moments whether this is worrying or praying... for example: when a person is praying about something they are concerned about or passionate about, their emotions or mental state often engage very intimately with (or directly reflect) those concerns or those passions... this can be a sign of a healthy prayer life - a laying down of everything, no matter the subject matter, no matter how big or small... with fervor and with abandon, you lay everything down - and there are emotions that are felt during that process. holy emotions (if you will), all of which have their place in our lives - grief, joy, righteous anger, assurance, hunger, or fulfillment... so that's all good and well.

but when we worry - when our heart's are not trusting, when our minds are jumbled by fear - many of those same negative emotions are felt... grief, anger, hunger... it is sometimes difficult to discern - are these "negative emotions" prompted by something holy, or something selfish? what is their root? is this compulsion to keep awake tonight of me, or is it of God? is this alertness a product of a messy day with too much caffeine, or is it a product of something that runs much deeper in me than the temptation for sleep can reach?

nonetheless... no matter its root - the God who searches and knows my heart much better than i know it can easily discern what of this is for good purpose and what of this is nonsense... so i lay it all down, as untried as it may be - all these cares, these thoughts, these desires... all at His feet, one by one, as long as it takes tonight to get them completely off of these shoulders.

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my life is changing rapidly in some ways that i do not understand or seem to be completely out of my control - and admittedly, it has been difficult today to look at these looming transitions and feel peace. i am very excited about some of these changes, but others cause my heart to ache... this is when i begin wanting to run and hide - right when i am called to stand firm and trust.

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for the moments i feel myself beginning to grow weary... there is this reminder, stamped across every page of my life thus far - the Lord is my Rock, my Anchor, and the Source of any good thing i have ever known in this life... He offers all the strength i need when plans weaken, and He offers all the peace i crave when it is exists inherently in no other earthly thing.

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and i think i just hit on the difference between worrying and praying... one acknowledges God only in the context of me and my circumstances... the other acknowledges God as the entire context... and i become merely a detail, yet unformed and lacking understanding without first understanding Him and His heart.

- - -

it really does feel like one last, necessary inhale.

breathe in... close your eyes...

goodnight.