forgiveness

when i actually take a minute to think back over the past month... i am stunned by how close the Lord has felt. it's the closest i have actually "felt" Him in a long time... and as is typical, i am stunned at how quickly He "appeared" (i know, seriously, as if He hasn't been there all along).

a month ago, my heart crashed into a moment, a minute, that was quite a bit of an undoing for me. since that moment and all that occurred within it, life has been entirely difficult in all the surface ways that won't mean anything to me someday, and it is has been entirely simple in the one way that probably will effect the entire course of my life. oh - but simple does not mean easy. so maybe everything is difficult now... my head hurts. moving on.

since that moment in the driveway, i've had a very simple choice that effects every other choice i will ever make that means anything... forgive, or don't forgive?

both choice has its consequences - and right now, i admit that the good set of consequences if i take the "forgive" route seem much (quite a freaking lot!) harder than if i choose the "don't forgive" route.

i never understood how incredibly paradoxical forgiveness would be. or that death to self is the prerequisite for a forgiving heart. AND also, i have been ridiculously humbled to realize that forgiveness is not something that you can fake... as if.

forgiveness. the real thing.

it's so much harder than i thought.

it's more beautiful than i thought.

it hurts me more than i thought.

it's worth more than i thought.

and it is changing many more things than i thought, and in much bigger ways than i thought.

all it takes sometimes is one good, certain, destructive look at grace... when His glory appears at that moment the world is crashing down - right as the "Why?" is forming itself on your lips... He simplifies the questions you could ask, and asks one Himself... forgive, or don't forgive?

and if i can't get this right, i'm suddenly realizing that all the other junk i strive so hard to understand, will not matter in the slightest. it never was about anything except grace.