someone's playing taps

i've been redeemed. i'm being redeemed. i need redemption.

i've been redeemed. i'm being redeemed. i need redemption.

over. and over. and over. it's been playing through my head today, like a broken record.

or rather... am i the broken record? and i am merely getting stuck on myself?

.....................

i have spent 4 evenings in a row hanging out with the same person. that's always dangerous. you learn things whenever you hang out with the same person 4 evenings in a row, whether you are ready to learn them or not. i love it. i hate it. it scares me. makes me want to punch somebody. makes me want to kiss somebody. i'm such a chicken.

so yes.

hesitantly, i'm learning.

even more hesitantly, i'm accepting.

and most hesitantly of all... i'm enjoying.

it's always kinda surreal to hang out with somebody that really just kinda takes you as you are. all apologies and insecurities seem suddenly very out of place. that's how it's been... and i have to admit, i kinda don't know what to do with myself. it's weird, this letting go. of stuff. tons and tons of anonymous stuff that is there, somehow, cluttering up places you didn't know existed inside of you. letting it all go - just because you engaged in conversation with the same person, 4 evenings in a row. dangerous, i tell you. it changes things.

a person once told me they could tell when i was nervous or upset, by looking at my hands... i tear things, crumble things, twist, smooth, scrunch, curl, or fringe things. he was right. tremendously. i find myself mutilating poor pieces of paper, napkins, starbucks' cup sleeves... as if they have ever done anything to deserve such horrible, thoughtless, nervous mutilation. all because i don't know how to be myself around people. around really beautiful people. who actually like me the way i am. even when i'm mutilating innocent paper products.

oh, and yeah - this turning red thing? for the birds. can't stand it. makes me want to cry, or at least have the Rapture come suddenly and allow me an anointed escape. it's to the point i have no control over it. i either need to chill out to some degree where it will stop happening, learn how to be okay with it, or pay a freaking dermatologist to work his magic. i tell you - it is bad enough sitting across from a cute guy when you have just gotten off of work and probably have dirt marks all over your face and clothes... but turning red, on top of that? no. unacceptable. red is not a becoming color when you have on a green shirt. just call me miss christmas. good grief.

........................

despite all these things... all this clutter, this hesitant discovery and acceptance, christmas coming now every day of the year, along with a propensity for destroying innocuous things... i'm smiling.

so typical.

i've got people who have been here before, nodding their heads with happy smirks on their faces. yeah, yeah. so they were right. kinda. i dunno yet. either way...

i surrender.