... of fans, rods, and staffs

the fan is on in my room, and even though i'm freezing, i do not want to get up - specifically, i do not want to get up because i am freezing.

i was laying here for quite a while, contemplating my motivations (or lack thereof) for not doing things that i know i should do. and then wouldn't you know it - "heaven came down" - from the thought of a fan in a freezing cold room, to now suddenly thinking about all the other ways i am lazy in my walk with Christ. i'm humbled - that a stupid fan would be used as a catalyst for moving me like i haven't allowed myself to be moved today - by heavier things (contribution of John Mayer... and also King Solomon).

the past 2 days hold the weary title of "Lauren's Self-Absorption: Exhibit A and B", providing perfect, decrepit evidence of what Paul described in Romans 7:

"I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate... For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me..." (15-18)

humble me, Lord... i trust your rod and staff even more than i trust the gentlest hands.

in whatever form it takes - please just keep making this mess of a girl look like You.