my own scarecrow

so... about today. i must be honest.

it is really hard for me to view days like today as anything but "unproductive".

i have this tendency to want something tangible to prove my daily efforts... to prove that something in my life, inside of me, made progress.

i have all these goals, these mile markers... as if abundant life could be tallied.

it often scares me - this sitting here, doing nothing.

but sometimes i get the idea that sitting here - seemingly doing nothing - is the right thing.

and often, if i try to fight the "doing nothing" with attempting to "do something" - my actions tend to form a large, giddy disaster that is wholly unbecoming... very unlike the patience, the meekness, the joy that the Lord described as fruit stemming from abundant Life.

so what is a girl to do, on a day like today when my brain feels like sludge,

for no apparent reason?

should i keep fighting to make something of nothing...

or should i rest, be still, and hope -

that my God, in this empty, entirely human moment,

would remind me of who He is,

and where He has brought me from,

and what dreams He has placed in me,

and the plans He has for me,

and who He created me to be?

- - -

so... about my dreams. i must be honest.

i've been trying not to focus on these things lately, because they seem so far away -

and somehow their distance has (over time) begun to scare me - intimidate me -

i choose not to "dwell" on them, on pretty much a daily (if not hourly) basis...

much less declare them to anyone.

but good grief... my heart is such a coward.

these are things the Lord put in me!!

these are true things, pure things -

small seeds, sown by His hand, that contribute to who I am

and contribute to the glory of God who makes things grow.

it is not my job to serve as my own scarecrow...

it is not my job to scare the threats away.

so... here are some dreams taking root under the soil:

i dream to love someone fully, completely, for all the remainder of days i have on this earth.

i dream to be a really awesome mom. i will even be totally okay driving a mini van.

i dream to write a book someday. i want to convey something eternal, onto ink and paper.

i dream to serve in a capacity that will allow me to administer encouragement to teenage girls.

i dream to renovate a house someday, and dedicate its use or ownership to a family in need.

i dream to create, design, cut, paste, build, paint, wield, decorate, sew, and draw.

i dream to shoulder this yoke, until all these seeds are planted...

i dream to watch these things grow.