It Doesn't Fit Anymore

Many years ago, I bought myself a plum-colored jacket. It's traveled with me on innumerable trips, been draped over the back of many of my chairs, been worn season after season. It fit perfectly. It's been a favorite, and all these years I've felt pretty in it. Comfortable. 

But it no longer fits. I mean... it does, but it doesn't. Not really, not comfortably. Each time I button it fully, I feel insecure. I see evidence of a decade that's come and gone. I see proof of two babies, once carried, now keeping me busier than I ever thought possible. Proof that I haven't got it all together, proof that I've struggled to get the baby weight off, proof that I don't get quite enough sleep or exercise. It's the craziest thing; I can still fit into so many things that I've had for even longer... but not that particular jacket. Not anymore. 

It just doesn't quite fit. 

I've changed. 

- - - 

A year and a half ago, a huge part of the world as we knew it shut down. Uncertainty entered our homes in new ways, and fresh anxieties pressed in. Those of us who are followers of Christ continued to cling to Him, but found our grip a bit tighter than before. Our distractions were less. More acutely, we learned to abide. To bring our fears and questions to the Lord more intimately, when all else was stripped away. To dig deeper, pray more fervently. 

And some of us began to thrive, in ways difficult to explain. 

There's a new boldness that wasn't there before. There are a few new gray hairs, new lines on our foreheads... but there's also new vigor in our souls. And now we find ourselves in an interesting place. Because the masks have started to slowly fade away, and many of the stores are reopened. We can travel again, do all these things again. And yet... 

So many things just don't fit anymore. 

We've changed.

Scripture tells me this is a good thing. To be seeing life from more of an eternal perspective, to be joining Christ in any small piece of His suffering... there is joy in experiencing these things! Peace is the promised companion to the follower of Christ. 

But while I remain on this earth, I feel lonelier than ever before. The battle feels harsher, more close. I increasingly feel like I have a target on my back, as I live out my faith in a culture that adores the dark. It somehow feels even more straight and narrow than it did a year ago, and I do not feel at home here anymore. The minutes I can be distracted from this reality are becoming fewer. 

- - - 

When we become followers of Christ, Scripture tells us we are given a new heart, a new nature. (Ezek. 36:36; 2 Corin. 5:17; Eph. 4:22-24) We are new creations. 

And the old self doesn't fit anymore. It doesn't work. 

When we sin, we feel friction in our spirit... the Holy Spirit alive and active. No longer are we allowed the luxury of contentment, if our hearts do not look like Christ's own heart. 

There is a price for living a holy life. The price is my life.

If I am selfish, I feel it. If I am prideful, I feel it. If I am hurtful with my words, I know my wrongness. It's like a cavity in the mouth, an itch on my skin, a bruise in my spirit... it pierces. The old way of doing things doesn't fit anymore. I am a new creation, and the old method of living and processing and making myself happy doesn't work anymore. 

His love and power have changed me. There is no going back to the way things were before.

- - - 

I struggle sometimes to find the closing paragraph... To wrap up all these thoughts with a few sentences that make it all come together nicely. How do I write into words the process of surrendering and acknowledging past and present, and taking a step forward? 

It's a jacket that doesn't fit. It's a rhythm of life that no longer satisfies. It's a nature that is no longer the same. There's a price to all of it, and we feel it down deep in our souls. This isn't our home, and never was. 

But He is, He was, and He will always be. 

He never changes. 

When nothing else seems to fit anymore… cling even tighter, dig even deeper, draw even closer to Christ.