With or Without
Last weekend, my husband and I were on the west coast. Our initial reason for planning the trip was to attend a wedding, but of course our time ended up encompassing much more than that. While our daughter enjoyed four fun-filled days with her grandparents, me and her daddy enjoyed some quality time together in the sunshine. It was much-needed time - just us - and we are now grateful to be reunited with our sweet girl once again.
Traveling seems to always provide me with new perspectives and thoughts to consider, and our recent trip was no exception. The teaching started in the airport.
- - -
As I was walking through the terminal, my hands were empty. There was no stroller to push, no little hand to hold, no pace to guard and match with tiny feet. I didn't have a diaper bag with me, but rather a bag full of books, and snacks I would actually later proceed to eat without having to share.
During the flight, when the flight attendant asked if I would like a beverage, I confidently said yes, knowing the drink would safely remain on my tray without getting knocked over by a baby doll. I leaned over to rub my husband's back for a minute, while still holding a book in my other hand.
Luxury. It was eye-opening, how much free brain space I had. I felt like a new wife... giddy, invincible, young and free.
And I missed my daughter so much it hurt to breathe.
The truth is... I love being a mom. I'm aware of it on some level every day, and I can honestly say that I do every day tell the Lord thank you for it. But something about being away made the reality even more obvious and intense. I love being a mom... Specifically, I love being her mom. And when her sister arrives in a few months, I know the love will grow even more.
But I haven't always known this love. And before her, there was just me and him.
- - -
Three years ago, my husband and I were different people. We only had ourselves and our dreams, and it was enough. We had no thoughts of a daughter, no considerations about which rental car would accommodate a carseat, no bedtime routines with which other plans had to reckon or reconcile. We were just us, and it was good, and it was as it should be.
We both worked outside the home, we ate out more frequently and stayed out later than we do now, and I wore makeup much more often. It was a blast at times and hard at others, and when he traveled I was lonely.
And sometimes when I'd sleep alone night after night, I would miss him so much it hurt to breathe.
It seems hard to imagine during this current season, but there was a time when he would arrive home from work and I wasn't already physically exhausted and mentally ready for bed. I used to bake more than I do now and spent much more time planning fun excursions and date nights for the two of us. Remembering those times is a sweet memory, and I'm grateful I have them - and that I will have them again... or so I've been told ;)
We were us before her, and now we are the us after and during her... and soon, we will be four. But even then... I remember that I didn't always know these loves.
Before all of these, there was just me learning to seek and trust and walk with the God who made me. I fell in love with Him long before I fell in love with my husband or my daughter, and without Him, neither of these loves would be fully what they are. Through all the seasons there has been and always will be only one first love... and all others must stand in line in appropriate order after Him.
- - -
When tragedies derail me, when estrangements numb me, when stresses gray my hair, when weight comes and goes... When my daughter does something that makes me laugh so hard that I spit out my drink.
When conversations go horribly, when tears fall too freely, when nights and days are both spent awake, when security is lost... When my husband looks at me from across the room and my heart lights up as if I just met him yesterday.
When discipline hurts, when I think one more day will crush me, when the feedback isn't positive, when the gift cards run out... When the pregnancy test said positive, and all we could do is just stand there in the bathroom and hold each other, too overwhelmed to move.
When she won't listen, when he doesn't understand, when I can't explain it right, when I feel like I'm failing... When the three of us take a family photo together, and the happiness in each of our smiles is somehow captured in a way that bypasses words altogether and goes straight up to the Lord as an offering.
All of it.
With or without the stroller in the airport terminal. With or without the pregnancy cravings. With or without the husband beside me, the ring on my finger. With or without the time to spare or make up for, the two incomes or one... with or without the answered prayers, blessings abundant, or coffee in my glass.
The with and without, the before, after, and during - all of it just as important to the whole, being lived day by day in the presence and care of a good God. May we receive it all and be glad, and give thanks for the daily bread He has seen fit to give us once again.
Traveling seems to always provide me with new perspectives and thoughts to consider, and our recent trip was no exception. The teaching started in the airport.
- - -
As I was walking through the terminal, my hands were empty. There was no stroller to push, no little hand to hold, no pace to guard and match with tiny feet. I didn't have a diaper bag with me, but rather a bag full of books, and snacks I would actually later proceed to eat without having to share.
During the flight, when the flight attendant asked if I would like a beverage, I confidently said yes, knowing the drink would safely remain on my tray without getting knocked over by a baby doll. I leaned over to rub my husband's back for a minute, while still holding a book in my other hand.
Luxury. It was eye-opening, how much free brain space I had. I felt like a new wife... giddy, invincible, young and free.
And I missed my daughter so much it hurt to breathe.
The truth is... I love being a mom. I'm aware of it on some level every day, and I can honestly say that I do every day tell the Lord thank you for it. But something about being away made the reality even more obvious and intense. I love being a mom... Specifically, I love being her mom. And when her sister arrives in a few months, I know the love will grow even more.
But I haven't always known this love. And before her, there was just me and him.
- - -
Three years ago, my husband and I were different people. We only had ourselves and our dreams, and it was enough. We had no thoughts of a daughter, no considerations about which rental car would accommodate a carseat, no bedtime routines with which other plans had to reckon or reconcile. We were just us, and it was good, and it was as it should be.
We both worked outside the home, we ate out more frequently and stayed out later than we do now, and I wore makeup much more often. It was a blast at times and hard at others, and when he traveled I was lonely.
And sometimes when I'd sleep alone night after night, I would miss him so much it hurt to breathe.
It seems hard to imagine during this current season, but there was a time when he would arrive home from work and I wasn't already physically exhausted and mentally ready for bed. I used to bake more than I do now and spent much more time planning fun excursions and date nights for the two of us. Remembering those times is a sweet memory, and I'm grateful I have them - and that I will have them again... or so I've been told ;)
We were us before her, and now we are the us after and during her... and soon, we will be four. But even then... I remember that I didn't always know these loves.
Before all of these, there was just me learning to seek and trust and walk with the God who made me. I fell in love with Him long before I fell in love with my husband or my daughter, and without Him, neither of these loves would be fully what they are. Through all the seasons there has been and always will be only one first love... and all others must stand in line in appropriate order after Him.
- - -
When tragedies derail me, when estrangements numb me, when stresses gray my hair, when weight comes and goes... When my daughter does something that makes me laugh so hard that I spit out my drink.
When conversations go horribly, when tears fall too freely, when nights and days are both spent awake, when security is lost... When my husband looks at me from across the room and my heart lights up as if I just met him yesterday.
When discipline hurts, when I think one more day will crush me, when the feedback isn't positive, when the gift cards run out... When the pregnancy test said positive, and all we could do is just stand there in the bathroom and hold each other, too overwhelmed to move.
When she won't listen, when he doesn't understand, when I can't explain it right, when I feel like I'm failing... When the three of us take a family photo together, and the happiness in each of our smiles is somehow captured in a way that bypasses words altogether and goes straight up to the Lord as an offering.
All of it.
With or without the stroller in the airport terminal. With or without the pregnancy cravings. With or without the husband beside me, the ring on my finger. With or without the time to spare or make up for, the two incomes or one... with or without the answered prayers, blessings abundant, or coffee in my glass.
The with and without, the before, after, and during - all of it just as important to the whole, being lived day by day in the presence and care of a good God. May we receive it all and be glad, and give thanks for the daily bread He has seen fit to give us once again.
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