When I Rise Up

It's one of those things I never could have imagined, prior to parenthood. It's like Christmas morning, every morning. We walk into her room and see her standing up in her crib, ready for us to arrive. Her face immediately lights up with an enormous smile and her little hands begin clapping. Her glee is contagious, and no coffee in the universe can start my morning off better than that grin.

I treasure these mornings.

And at night when her eyes begin to blink more frequently and her mouth begins to yawn, her daddy and I look at each other and know it's time to begin our other favorite part of the day - getting her ready for bed. There's a way we do things, a routine we've come to look forward to, and it ends with her in my arms. I sing a lullaby I wrote for her, and eventually lay her down to sleep.

I treasure these nights. She means the world to her daddy and me, so it comes naturally to want to be with her every time she wakes up and falls back to sleep. I don't want to miss a single thing.

But of course, I do. I'm finite. I can only be one place at one time - and even if I could somehow figure out a way to be omnipresent (technology gets me close), I still am not omniscient. There's a whole world under the surface that I can't reach. I can guide, inspire, teach, and lead her... but I didn't create her heart, and I have no claim on her soul.

There will be a song she will sing that I did not teach her. There will be convictions she holds that are between her and the God who created her. Her spirit will leap inside her in answer to questions the world will ask, and I will have to trust the Spirit to take her down roads I can't go. Every night when I lay her down in her crib, I feel the ache of eternity pulling on my heart. And I know that as much as I watch her, hold her, play with her, read to hear, and talk to her... there are things I will miss, things I can't do, and places she will go where I can't be.

But there is One who misses nothing...

- - -

"Lord, You have searched me and known me. 
You know when I sit down and when I rise up; 
You understand my thought from afar.
You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
and are intimately acquainted with all my ways...

Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to Heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there...

(Psalm 139:1-3, 7-8)

- - - 

There will be nights when I'm out with her daddy, and someone else we trust will get her ready for bed. There will be mornings when she stirs before the sun comes up, and in my sleep, I won't see the way her eyes observe and process the shadows in her room.

I'm her mom... but I'm still just human. I need help from the same God she will need. I receive strength from the same God who has enough for her as well.

Lord, search me and know my heart. Try me and know my anxious thoughts. (v.23) Help me be quick to apologize, slow to anger, and prone to prayer. See if there be any hurtful way in me. (v. 24) Convict me and hold me fast to Your Word. Block the path that would lead me away from You, and fumble my efforts to disobey.

When I sit down and when I rise up, lead me in the everlasting way. 

And when she sits and when she rises, I will trust that You are there.