Fretting

like a tight-gripping shadow, it tugs on my mind
to think on, remember,
to look once behind -
like Lot's wife, to falter - to take one more glance,
at the last of words spoken,
that last fleeting chance.

as if one second more could yet alter this course,
as if one detail changed
could yet lessen the worst -
but the past, it is done - it is through, and redeemed
and though shadows may tug,
they will not change a thing.

my feet, they will stand on the truth of the light -
that we all were once crimson,
but now, clothed in white.
there is no looking backwards, no turning back time
I will hold firm to victory,
I will not reach behind.

- - -

Have you ever experienced this? Being tugged down or pulled backwards, into some moment in your past? Whether it be a conversation gone wrong, a foolish action committed, a relationship undone, or a tough decision finally made - the past sometimes can be a nagging thing, a shadow difficult to shake off of us.

I've seen this play out many times, in my life and the lives of those around me... this temptation to look back, not motivated by a holy calling toward reflection and repentance - but motivated by an anxiety, an unrest, or a lack of confidence in where God has me now.

It works in a forward motion, as well - but either way it moves, there's a name for it. It's called fretting... and not only can we do this about our futures, but also about our pasts. Both are examples of worry - and neither are what God intends for us.

- - -

I caught myself doing this, a couple weeks ago.

Portions of Tennessee were under a sheet of ice and snow for almost a solid week - and although it takes a lot to make me stir crazy, that about did it. I was bored. Tim was out of town for most of that time, and with my compromised ability to "get out" for several of those days, it took a bit of creativity to keep myself occupied inside this house, or within close proximity to it.

I read, wrote, and cleaned. I colored, played guitar and piano, caught up on emails, organized the closet, looked for recipes, watched Gilmore Girls, etc etc etc... and there were moments, increasing in frequency, that I fretted.

I fretted about things ahead of me - plans, dreams, unknowns, schedules, and strategies. but I also found myself fretting about things behind me. Silly little things and big things, all having one thing in common - they are already done. There's nothing left to think about... and yet, that's exactly what I found myself doing! I would turn over one detail after another, re-visiting it, re-thinking... things I possibly could have said better, done better - ways I could have been better, things I missed or didn't see, random things I've already confessed to God four months ago revisiting me on a claustrophobic snow-day.

Once I realized it was happening, I did confess it to the Lord, and made a few adjustments with my activities that afternoon, to better hold my thoughts captive (Psalm 139: 23-24; and 2 Cor. 10:5). But it did get me thinking about all the times this happens during my day, my week, when it's perhaps less obvious, and when I don't necessarily catch myself doing it...

- - -

Often, I struggle with this temptation of fretting when I've allowed my hands to become idle, for one reason or another. When I've chosen, in some way, to not be faithful to do what's in front of me to do. Whether it's something simple like cleaning the leftover dishes in the sink, or some larger issue of spiritual obedience - when I allow myself to falter is when I find myself looking backwards (or forwards) the most.

This is Scriptural. Here are several verses that mention idle hands, or unfocused thoughts or actions:

- Proverbs 31:27
Attributes of a Godly woman:
 "She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness."

- Philippians 4:6-8
In speaking of what we should think about:
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable... if there is any excellence or anything worthy of praise, think about those things."

- Ecclesiastes 10:18
In the process of building something important:
"Through laziness the rafters sag, and through slackness the house leaks."

- 2 Corinthians 10:3-5
The expectation and implication of our obedience to God:
"For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ..."

There are many more, too - all throughout the Bible. Encouraging us to be aware and alert of what is going on in the recesses of our minds, when we find ourselves in idle moments. Calling us to obedience, not only in the grand things, but the small things as well. The Holy Spirit offers peace to us, and also conviction, solace, steadfastness, and self-control.

Not only for our busiest days, but also for some of our most idle... that there would be nothing tempting us away from being the woman or man that God has intended us to be. Even on snow days, when there's nothing else to do, and nowhere else to go. He is sufficient, even then, to teach us and show us how to live.

We have no reason to fret about what is before us, or behind us.