Plans, Like Falling Leaves

For the fourth day in a row, I woke into a very quiet world.

My plan was to be out of town, celebrating a belated Thanksgiving with my husband and family. However, for the majority of this holiday break, I've been fighting a pretty relentless cold... it is determined. It's kept me off of a plane, kept me indoors, kept me away from family. Relentless.

And because it has been accompanied with a very sore throat, it has also kept me quiet.

This isn't a bad thing. In fact, although it's been difficult - it's been one of the best things about all of this. I've had time to think, uninterrupted. Time to process, time to listen.

Because I'm a nerd, I calculated it - and with the exception of about three hours total (including Thanksgiving day), I've spent no time using my voice the past 96 hours. No chatting. No speaking. No praying out loud. No singing to Christmas songs. It's weird... it's a strangely quiet world.

And I admit - I've been very okay with that. It's been an appropriate time, for silence.

- - -

journal entry, october 3, 2014:

the leaves are beginning to crisp up with change, their color testifying to the dying of their present world... and i long to be okay, with what i understand of this. i long to be at peace in my soul, with Your intent for this Autumn of my life. this dying of a present world, for new to grow.

i understand.

i need Autumn this year. i need to see this beauty. i need to remember that there is beauty in all this dying, all this change... 

all these falling leaves, this mystery we cannot escape. that there is something going on beyond us, which holds each leaf and each branch, until it's time to fall. which tells the cold it cannot enter here... which brings the cessation for grass, and flowers, and growth... and we all prepare for winter, and we know that everything will be alright.

death is only one part of this... it is always only one part. Autumn reminds me, that this world remains firmly in Your hands.

i should not be afraid of falling leaves.

- - - 

and now autumn's changing warmth is passing, and winter's chill is sinking in. the trees are beautifully lit, Advent has begun, and everything within me rests quietly in the waiting for Him... waiting in expectation, for the coming of all that He is, into all that I am.

i'm looking forward to my first Christmas here in town, with my husband. i'm looking forward to fun, holiday parties with friends... baking cookies, looking at Christmas lights, hopefully a few good snows. i'm looking forward to cozy blankets, mittens, and boots. i'm giddy at the thought of these things, and the sweet joys they are. they are gifts. they are good.

but as I take it all in... as I enjoy these blessings, these pleasures... i do not want to forget. i don't want to forget that my plans are like falling leaves. they come, they go, they are not the point of all of this.

the past few days, my world has become so simple... so small. i've been sick, and i've been alone. but i've also been praying with more focus. i've been reading, with more comprehension. i've been resting, without guilt. my throat has been raw, i've worn no makeup, and my biggest victory has been making it outside to get the mail out of the mailbox.

and I've known joy. i've had time to wrestle with some griefs. i've had time to write out the things i normally don't have courage to pen. i've used two entire boxes of kleenex... and it doesn't even matter.

it's been an appropriate time to be silent. it's been a fitting time, to be undone. for i do not want to forget in this season, what i grew to learn in the last. the lesson of falling leaves... that this world remains firmly in His hands. that He sustains, releases, undoes, and re-grows. that I need Him... that in Him, I hope.

and that for Him, I wait.

- - -

"Preserve me, O God, for I take refuge in You. I said to the Lord, 'You are my Lord; I have no good besides You.' ... The Lord is the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You support my lot. The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me. 

I will bless the Lord who has counseled me; Indeed, my mind instructs me in the night. I have set the Lord continually before me; Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. 

Therefore, my heart is glad and my glory rejoices; My flesh will also dwell securely. For You will not abandon my soul to Sheol; Nor will You allow Your Holy One to undergo decay. 

You will make known to be the path of life; 
In Your presence is fullness of joy; 
In Your right hand there are pleasures forever."

Psalm 16: 1-2, 5-11