Loving Well

In our 'bonus room' upstairs, there's a huge pile of books currently lacking a home. Our bookshelf space is sufficiently lacking at the moment, so we figure that the open floor is a much better place for these neatly-organized stacks of books than inside a closet somewhere. Out of sight, out of mind is never an appropriate place for a book.

A few weeks ago, I sat down on the floor and pilfered through books of all sorts - fiction, nonfiction, political, religious, comedic, romantic, educational, medical, professional, poetic... all of them ours, all of them survivors of the GoodWill reaping we submit them too every few months.

On this particular day, I happened upon a book given to me many years ago, which is now fairly popular in churched-circles - it's called 'The Five Love Languages', and is written by Gary Chapman. I've read it before, but it was several years before I got married. Needless to say, I read it very differently this second time through. Although the determinations I made about myself after reading were the same both times, this time there were a few new insights as well . One of them was this incredibly simple, yet challenging truth:

Love is a language. Allow me to unpack all that this implies...

As with any language, it has to be learned. You have to get good at speaking it, in order to fit into any kind of culture or community. You have to continue adding to its vocabulary as you grow. Also, as with every other language on the planet, love competes with thousands of other languages in order to be heard and understood. You sometimes have to customize it, in order for it to be understood correctly - there is not always a guarantee that the person you're speaking to knows and speaks the same exact dialect of love as you do.

And that's only speaking externally.

Even as a Christian, filled with the spirit of God who is love, my flesh gets in the way so often. There are so many other competing languages internally that feel much more natural to speak, or keep me from speaking love altogether - like the languages of pride, insecurity, apathy, or self-righteousness. Even sometimes when I do get past those internal hurdles and speak love externally, someone else won't hear it or understand it the way I intend... the way I would have heard it or understood it.

Yikes... Now you see what I mean, about this being a simple, but challenging truth: Love is a language. Learning it is not always the easiest thing. It takes work. It takes practice. But through Christ, it is possible to become a fluent love speaker. No matter the circumstances or the dialect, love is a language that is worth learning to speak - and if it's spoken the way God intended, it's the most unifying and beautiful language in all of history.

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As referenced in Dr. Chapman's book, my primary love languages are 'Words of Affirmation' and 'Acts of Service'.

If I want to tell someone that I love them, or if I want to express that I care - I speak it verbally or I write it to that person (via cards, emails, sticky notes, etc...). I place a high responsibility upon myself to articulate things well - and to articulate things, period. If I like someone's shoes, I tell them. If I am praying for someone, I tell them. If the Lord is doing something in my heart, and I am filled up with love from Him, I affirm my reciprocated love back to Him with my words - written or spoken.

In the instances when words aren't appropriate or needed, my love language immediately translates itself into acts of service. This one expresses itself a lot in my marriage, and inside the close-knit parts of my life. I love to help, aid, and assist... to relieve a burden from someone I care about. Cleaning a kitchen, running an errand, organizing a closet, or completing a task for someone else... it's how I show love. At work, this love language actuates itself best by asking the question: "Is there anything I can help you with?"

These are the ways I most often and most instinctively show love - and if someone else speaks these languages to me, I hear and understand love, care, support, or affirmation from that person.

But my husband Tim speaks a different language than I do! His primary languages are 'Quality Time' and 'Physical Touch'. Oh, the joys of marriage... we have had to learn brand new languages! Tim has learned that a sweet card is to me a priceless treasure, and a sink empty of dirty dishes sends me soaring. I have learned that sitting in Tim's office with him while he works shows that I am with him and for him - and that when I give him a kiss for 'no reason', it makes him feel invincible.

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Speaking love in general is a great start, in practice - but I have found that in order to strengthen and deepen the relationships I care about most, speaking love in general is not always enough. As a Christian, I am challenged by Christ to speak love well.

Christ called us to be excellent in all things, and to do them all as unto the Lord. God's Word on this subject compels me to sharpen my language skills. His Spirit impels me to better, and sometimes more uniquely, show His love to those around me. (See Colossians 3 for some insight into my thoughts on this, and also 1 John 3:16-21.)

This means expanding my love vocabulary. Putting forth the extra effort, and paying attention to the way I speak love. This sometimes may mean customizing it uniquely to the needs of the person I am expressing love towards - what is their love language? How do they need to hear me speak love to them?

There is nothing like being heard and spoken to, in a language you know and understand. I believe that for this reason in particular, it is vital for us as Christians to learn to speak love well - to speak it distinctly, and to speak it sometimes in a different dialect than what is comfortable for us.

It is not always easy - but is always worth it. We mustn't just stop at learning the elementary basics of speaking love. How much more could we resonate with the culture around us, in our own homes, and in our own churches, if we learned to not just speak love... but to speak it well?