Trust

You may not have noticed it, but on May 13th around 2:30 p.m., the entire world shifted. There was a shift in energies, a pulsing of the atmosphere, as a yoke of responsibility was transferred across the table of a law office in Franklin, TN. Such power in those three signatures, signed in ink... certainly enough power to change our lives.

We are homeowners.

That Monday morning when we woke up, all we could do was dream and pray... the planning, the waiting was almost over. A heart full of hope increases to a surprisingly rapid speed, and such was the speed of mine that day. But now that it is over, a heart at peace is what rests within my chest.

The past month has depleted me... I will start, by admitting that. My daily routine has been shot to pieces numerous times, my sleep has been erratic and insufficient, my muscles are weary, my brain feels fried, and I haven't had much time to read. There are small cuts and scrapes all over my hands and fingers, and I now know what it feels like to have a screwdriver embedded in my hand (it is fairly painful, if anyone has ever had doubts on the matter.)

But that small list of things is the full summation of my complaints... And my cup runneth over.

- - -

So far, this year has had one obviously (and painfully) recurring theme:

Trust.

Trust in God, for everything. We have had some really big things come across the table the past few months, and any single one of them would have been enough to cast our worlds in shadow if we had made the wrong decision. But through everything, God has provided peace. He has provided financial surprises and sustenance in places we did not expect it. He has provided new job opportunities, for both Tim and myself. He continues to provide us with enough sleep to accomplish the day's tasks, enough strength and energy, enough alertness of mind to keep all the details straight, and enough love for one another to keep our home a safe-haven during the transitions. The Scripture verse that has brought me the most encouragement lately is Isaiah 26:3, which says: "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You." This continues to be proven true in my life, and in my heart.

Trust in my husband... for the things I used to be able to do alone, but now surprisingly cannot seem to do alone anymore. I lived for several years on my own, did extensive traveling alone, handled all my own bills and finances, dealt with everything from broken-down cars to faulty light-bulbs, to cable-guys and backed-up toilets... But now, I feel so awkward handling these things without Tim. It's a very humbling thing sometimes - it's like God created room in my heart, or created a fresh void in all my past experiences, to now allow my husband the opportunity to shine. I know there is a fine line here - I still must be okay to do things alone when necessary, and my identity as an individual still needs to be nurtured and given an outlet within my marriage... but overall, it has been shocking to see how much the Lord wants me to rely on my husband. It's been humbling, for the independent side of me... but it has also endeared the yearning side of my heart, which has always desired a love like this to rest in.

Trust leaves no room for fear. It also leaves no room for pride. It commands full dependance, surrender, submission, reliance, and full yielding to a force other than oneself.

In other words... trust is the antithesis of all that I am, when I am allowing my sinful nature to rule me. When I am left to myself, I find it very difficult - if not impossible - to fully trust in anything, or anyone. For me to fully trust in God, means that I must die to myself, fully. For me to place trust in my husband, I must at times proffer his heart and his opinions, above my own.

Trust is never free, but it is the only thing I have found that offers freedom.

- - -

I also quit my job at Pier 1. After four (non-consecutive) years of working for this company, it was a step of faith to walk away. Foregoing the money and the job security, so soon after buying a house (YIKES) was a scary decision.

But I've been thinking a lot the past few months about how I want to live my life, as my precious dad often gently reminds me to do... and the fact is, that with this one small move away from Pier 1, I made yet another decision to trust. I made a decision to trust the desires and the talents, and the 'callings' that God seems to continue reiterating and confirming in my life lately. Namely...

- The desire to set up my home, and make it a place that exudes warmth and hospitality.
- The desire to be home as much as possible with Tim this Summer, while he is home.
- The talents that have been forsaken too often lately, such as playing piano and writing.
- The calling to dig in and study Scripture more deeply and fully.
- The conviction of getting into and maintaining a consistent fitness routine.
- The cultivation of friendships, new relationships, and efforts at community.

And the list goes on and on...

So we made the decision, tightened our budget - and here we are, ready for what is next.

Trust. Requiring everything, and offering even more in return.

Admittedly, I am in no way a master at this yet - and I certainly am not yet free. It seems like multiple times a day, my heart resists the leaning, the submission, the yielding that trust demands (and cannot exist without). But I'm learning, and I'm claiming Isaiah 26:3 over my life, until it begins to take hold. Until my mind becomes stayed on Christ - and by being stayed on Him, continues to find its peace.