The Car That Wouldn't Start

Yesterday after leaving work, I walked straight into trouble. Like hitting a wall, there it was - BAM! One second, I'm literally singing a happy tune - the next, I'm feeling like my heart is in a war.

And it all started... when my car didn't start.

- - -

Before I proceed with my story, there is one thing you must understand about this car...

It is 17 years old.

My father owned it before he and mom entrusted it to me, when I was 16. It has traveled thousands and thousands of miles - over 230,000, to be precise. It alone has daily discerned the subtle changes of my singing voice, bouncing off of its dashboard and windows, from that of a 16 year old girl to that of a 28 year old woman. It has held up through hail storms, road trips with friends, car wrecks, my entire high school and college experiences, and countless visits through drive-thru's across this country.

To be perfectly honest, I will probably die before my car will. I am not entirely convinced that it can even be killed. Thanks to my dad's help all these years, it has been maintained incredibly well - but still, even he has at times been shocked by the boundless lengths and depths of its fortitude.

I have been prepared for my car to stop working, at any point, of any day... for the past 8 years. I have anticipated that moment, and wondered how it would happen... would I be sitting inside of it, with my hands on the wheel, when it took its last breath? Would I be going up a very steep hill, and then suddenly make one final surrender to gravity? Would the shame of so many coffee stains on its floor mats cause it to pass away softly in the night, only to be found the next morning, sitting cold in the parking lot...?

It's not going to happen. 

And most of the time, I am incredibly grateful for this. The longer it holds out, the longer my money can stay in a bank, earning interest... it almost feels like I'm cheating the system somehow. 17 years, in the same car? Grateful is definitely a good word for that.

I will add one small caviat, as an avowal to the importance of honesty... I have my moments when I am not grateful at all. The only time when I have those moments though, is when my eyes fall to rest upon that small piece of red paint showing through, on my bumper... evidence of what is looming directly underneath the pretty champagne paint that covers the body of my entire car. I stare at that one little chip on the back bumper, where that horrid red paint has dared to show through... and I place bets in my own head, of which will give out first - my pride, or my car. In those moments, I am not so grateful.

But most of the time... yes, I am grateful.

So. All of that to say...

Yesterday, when I walked out to my car, turned the key, and nothing happened... I was not shocked. At all. That wasn't the trouble. That was almost anticipated. What was not anticipated (and never is), is the timing of it happening.

The trouble was... my husband is in Canada. For 12 more days. And my dad lives three hours away. The two main men in my life are not here, and regardless of the fact that there are a couple people that I can call, who I know would drop anything that they could, and come to my rescue...

It's just not the same. 

And there it was... Trouble. Walked straight into it. Sitting there, in a car, in the parking lot of a church... the thought invaded my mind.

It's just not good enough. 

It took a split second, for that thought to enter my mind, travel down to my heart, take root, and cause me to lose my way. It took a split second, for me to lose my grip on the constant evidences of God's faithfulness and provision for me, every time Tim has been away - a split second, for me to grab hold of the lie that it just isn't the same... that lie in my heart, that it's just not good enough.

- - -

Wives of husbands who are gone a lot...

I get it. I'm right there, with you. It seems like everything happens when they are gone... the car won't start, the toilet floods the bathroom, you get the flu, the washer quits working, your child gets in trouble at school...

You get a bill in the mail that you don't understand, you make a charge on a card that causes an overdraft fee, you thought, and he thought, and neither of you thought the same thing...

You have a situation that immediately needs attention, and you are craving a man's advice - but the man whose advice you crave the most is currently unreachable, because he is loading gear, or playing his guitar on a stage, for people who don't love him or need him quite as much as you...

Or there is something really GOOD that just happened, and your heart is bursting to tell him, to show him, to share it with the one person who shares your joys the best... and he is 1,000 miles away, in a concrete venue, with horrible phone reception.

... I get it.

In certain moments, it takes your breath away. And it rarely has only to do with the fact that the car isn't starting, or the toilet is now broken, or you are too sick to even get off the couch and make yourself chicken noodle soup. You're more of a trooper than that, after all... and you do understand that this lifestyle has its perks, and you get to do lots of fun things together that other married couples don't get to do... and you really do believe that, most of the time.

It's just the fact that right now... well, right now, it's different - because he isn't here, and you feel like he should be... And it is nothing short of battle, to get that thought back out of your mind, once it gets in there.

- - -

My friend picked me up from work yesterday, and got me home to Tim's truck (see... evidence of God's provision - two vehicles!) She and her husband helped me get my car started today, and after a process which I will not go into, my car is now resting safe and sound, and un-used, until my husband returns home in 12 days.

All is well.

But yesterday shook something up in me... as battles usually do. They leave small scars on you, which will hopefully someday help you remember things you used to know.

Such as...

I know that God is the provider of my needs.
I know that He is always enough.
I know that He numbers the hairs on my head.
I know that He is always present.
I know that He never leaves me stranded.
I know that He alone can satisfy me.
I know that there is no greater friend I will ever have, than Him.
I know that not even my husband can love me,
the way that Christ loves me.

I know that the Holy Spirit is alive, and moving through my mind... and that my thoughts will be held captive, either by Himself or by the lies of the Enemy. I know that my heart is constantly pursued and preyed upon, by powers and rulers of darkness - but I also know that God tells me in His Word, that it is never enough to separate me from the identity my heart has found in His love (Romans 8:39)

I know that God has a plan for my life,
I know that God has a plan for my husband's life,
I know that God has a plan for our marriage.
I know that God has His hand in the details,
of this CRAZY, glorious, stressful lifestyle.
I know that God always finishes what He starts,
That He always grows what He has planted,
That He always nurtures what He has sown.

I know that He is the Source of every joy I experience, and He is the Spring that brings life to my moments. I know that He is full of mercy and compassion, and that He is the Love that is unfailing, unwavering, untouchable, unstoppable... And certainly big enough to overcome every trouble I will ever face in this world. Every single trouble. Big, tremendous, small, miniscule... and certainly not excluding the car that wouldn't start.

- - -

Inevitably, when my husband gets home in 12 days, I will forget all the little details and adventures of my life that took place while he was away... so stories like this practically beg to be written down. But I also hope that the next time something rough happens while he is away, I can look back at all this and remember... Remember God's provision upon my life, and the blessings He has given. Including a 17 year old car...

Especially a 17 year old car.