perpetually me

Some things just always stay the same. In a world where everything is constantly changing, being built, being torn down, being renovated, or becoming extinct... it is amazing how some things seem to simply resist change. They are forever the same, they seem to exist outside of condition's reach. It's fascinating.

Our God is that way. Never changing, solid Rock, unwavering, our Cornerstone. Who He is does not change.

Certain themes are also this way... themes that coax along our stories, themes such as love, hope, faith, and joy. They are always present in this world, whether or not we feel them. They do not change in their supply or their demand, nor do they ever cease to exist. These things are perpetual, and we are glad of their redeeming constancy in our lives.

And I am finding out that there are parts of me that are this way, too... Never changing, always constant, resistant to change, and sometimes seeming to be frustratingly out of redemption's reach. I am, for the better and the worse, perpetually me. It doesn't really matter that there is now a wedding band on my finger - that I've changed my name, changed my address, changed my economic status. For all the "large" changes that my life has undergone in the past year, I am still the same Lauren that I have always been.

Shocker.

But seriously... this is a huge thing to discover about oneself. It's also a huge thing to discover about one's spouse, about God, and about those pieces of all of our true identities that we just might have forsaken along the way.

If you, gracious reader, will allow me... I shall explain.

- - -

When I was in Kindergarten, I had a really wonderful teacher named Mrs. Wocjak. I got along with her just fine, I respected her in the fully trusting way a six-year-old exhibits best... until the day she put me in time out for something I didn't do. To this day, age 27, I remember how hard I cried that afternoon, sitting in time-out while the rest of my classmates remained blissfully ignorant to the ethical dilemma present in my current situation... I remember how broken my heart was - not merely due to the misguided sentence she gave me (30 minutes of cherished, invaluable playtime surrendered to the "time-out-tub"), but also due to the fact that this was my first cognizant encounter with injustice. I knew in my heart then (and I still know now) exactly what had happened, and exactly what had not happened - but no matter what I knew, I could not change her opinion of me - nor the judgement she had passed.

This is my first cognizant memory of realizing a broken heart within myself. It's truly pitiful and truly humorous all at once... but it has stuck indelibly in my mind. Whenever I feel like there's a situation I can't quite fix in my life... there I am, in Mrs. Wocjak's class, sitting in that time-out-tub all over again. Whenever there is a relationship lying estranged and suspended due to a misunderstanding... it's that feeling. That awful, empty, helpless feeling when your heart doesn't understand why something is happening, and cannot fix itself.

Sometimes I still feel that, even though my name has changed.

- - -

In the Spring of my 8th grade year, I was at one of my friend's houses, participating along with several other girls my age in our church's "Disciple Now Weekend". I remember sitting in the living room floor with so many of my peers, girls I wanted to emulate, girls who I wanted to like me... and I remember it so well, because that was the night people first found out that I could sing and play guitar. My face was red and my hands were shaking, but I remember feeling so happy and so discovered, that my friends had uncovered something special about me, something that I really had just started to cherish in my walk with the Lord... my ability to express things, to write them into songs, and to play them. For the next 10 years, my life and a lot of my reputation was tremendously impacted and often, largely kept in motion by the momentum proceeding from that day. I have a huge accumulated collection of memories that consist of touring, recording, writing, playing, and ministering to others through music.

And just last week, as I sat for my performance review at work, I felt that way all over again. My face got red, my hands started shaking... the constructive criticisms and praises like a fog around me, while my mind was simply wanting to know the answer to that question... am I doing this right? Am I doing this okay? Do these people like me? Am I contributing to this team in a way that is special and unique... am I doing okay, Lord?

Sometimes I still feel those things. When I am talking with Tim about things I'm reading... when I meet up with new friends for coffee, and start learning about them (and vice versa)... when I introduce myself to new people at my new church... when I have to speak my opinions and perspectives at our Pier 1 management meetings... when I walk out into the living room after an hour of getting ready for a date-night with my husband... in my heart, there's that barely noticeable fear that flutters through, wanting to be discovered, known, loved, liked... understood, and cherished.

It's still just me.

- - -

Some things just never change. That is both a great, safe, identifying thing to discover about oneself... and also a very humbling, often frustrating thing to discover about oneself. Coming into marriage, I'm fully convinced that expectations are at their absolute highest. Not only expectations of one's spouse, but also expectations of oneself. It's like a whole life's worth of New Years' Resolutions, piled up and offered at the altar... all the things that I've ever wanted to become, be better at, be less apt to do or emulate... all of that seems suddenly within reach, because this man and my union to him is going to make me into something whole and beautiful and awesome at all the things I'm currently not awesome at by myself.

- - -

I love to read. I could spend hours doing it, every single day for the rest of my life... and I would still get giddy with excitement every time I'd walk into a library and see how much left there still was to read.

I have never felt entirely comfortable with new situations. New freaks me out a little bit. A lot, actually. I feel most safe in the ebb of routine, and I start feeling uncomfortable when spontaneity is introduced. But I'm steady, and I'm a hard-worker, and I don't need a lot of crazy adventures to keep my heart feeling happy and alive.

I like quiet. I dislike R&B. I often cry as a first step to processing. My favorite thing about marriage so far is the absolute freedom to love and cling to my husband as a God-given fortress, protector, and friend. I am always self-conscious when I wear a new outfit for the first time. I am confident about my abilities to spell, to speak diplomatically, and to deal gracefully with customer service issues. I would lay down my life to protect my brother, Jason. I want to love and honor the Lord with all my heart, my soul, and my mind. I have no hope outside of His teaching me how to do those things.

This is who I am. Lauren Nicole McCuistion... Lauren Nicole O'Neill. A whole new life and lifestyle brought on by change, but still the same strengths and weaknesses. Still the same concept of happy, still the same ways of processing sadness. Same hobbies (with the addition of a few), same opinions, same memories and scars.

It's still all right here, in need of redemption. Created and designed in the image of a Creator - stamped by sin - cleansed by grace - daily trying to change, and to become more like the One who cleansed.

No matter that my name has changed... that is still the same. I am perpetually myself.

Thank the Lord... so is He.