"together"

earlier this afternoon, my husband got on a plane headed to oregon. he's often doing that - getting on and off of planes, packing and unpacking, coming and going. travel is a major part of his job and his ministry, and i have to say - he's extremely well-suited for the lifestyle... he's kinda awesome at it, actually. the frequent goodbyes are definitely NOT my favorite - but the great thing about Tim's job is that when he does come back home to me, he really is completely home. when he's not traveling, he works mostly in his office here at our apartment, so i have the privilege of witnessing him as he does his job. i'm learning more daily, what a privilege that is.

for the past month and a half (with the exception of a couple days), we've been together pretttty much 24/7. it's been wonderful. it's been strange! it's been entirely rewarding, and also at moments very challenging. we're nearing our 6 month anniversary of being married, and our 1 year anniversary of knowing each other even existed on this planet... so we are extremely new at this "living with another individual just as set in their ways as i am" facet of marriage! and it has been increasingly evident in our discussions and interactions over the past few weeks, that we are just now really beginning to understand the divine joy and responsibility of what we've committed to for the next _____ years.

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as we were doing our devotions a few mornings ago, we got to discussing our "together" life as a couple versus our "independent" lives as individuals... and i've been thinking about it a lot over the past few days. i've been thinking about what my life is when he's away, and what his life is when i'm not present - and i've been thinking about how our lives were a year ago, and how did i bear it?! but mostly, i've been thinking about our life together now, and how in the world to make the most of those days when he is here with me. when he left for the airport today, and i felt that relentless tug of missing him at the very moment of goodbye, i realized how much i have already grown accustomed to being one half of the whole that we are. after 27 years of being independent, i find it shocking how much of me he takes with him when i kiss him goodbye.

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as a single girl, i lived on my own for several years. there are certain parts of living alone that really stand out to me now... the way the bathrooms were always exactly as clean as i wanted them, the way my favorite cd's played incessantly with no interference, my absurdly low utility bills (and my bills in general). i cooked for one, cleaned for one, made spending allowances for one, and made decisions as one. i paid no attention to how girly my wall decor was, or how feminine certain candles smelled... nor did i consider whether there was enough variety of meats in my weekly meal plans, or whether someone else had already used that tomato i needed. it was just me, doing things the only way i knew, enjoying things the only way i knew how to, and working through life at the only pace and speed i've ever worked.

there is freedom in that for a while, but then there also became a panic as well, the more time went by. in deep corners of my heart, i started wrestling with the fear that maybe by the time i got married (if i ever even got married), i would find the transition difficult... that it would be too late to change, and maybe i wouldn't even have realized all these years that i did "so and so" the wrong way, or that "so and so" was the incorrect way to view a situation, and what if "so and so" was a crooked, emotionally stunted way of working through life's problems... and what if my parents did something wrong, but none of us knew it, and what if i turn out to be just awful at marriage, despite my best intentions?

and the truth is - there have been some things that have been challenging. we both lived lives that we enjoyed, before we met one another - weaving all those perspectives and experiences together is a task for skillful hands, and we have only just begun learning to spin the thread! there have also been those arguments that were later found to be senseless and petty, as a direct result of those behaviors i had developed or tim had developed before we met... and there always are. daily, we both grasp at God's grace - together, and as individuals - so we can love each other better. it is paying off, moment by moment... and we are building this home, brick by brick.

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last night, we went to dinner and a movie as 'Part 1' of our first Valentine's day together... after a perfect evening, as we walked back to our car through the spitting snow, something just went wrong - who knows. one moment we were the most delightful lovebirds in the city, the next moment we are at our worst... and it's so common, no matter who the couple is, or how long you've been married - in a flash, pride inserts itself and there is no room for love. the apostle Paul phrased it perfectly when he said in Romans 7:15 "For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate." ... exactly. and it's in those moments when i feel it most - how much i love this man, yet how strange he is to me - and with all my being, i want to find a way to be better at loving him... seeing him, understanding him, supporting him - casting my pride to its death, if that is what it takes to get better at this.

in the truest of ways, is this not what Christ calls of us during our days, our years, our lives - that we love Him enough, that we trust Him enough, to lay down our pride for the sake of loving Him better? i will never be the wife that tim needs if i am not first a woman that has learned how to surrender my pride, for the sake of loving Christ and serving Him better with a clean heart.

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by the end of the hour (as most often proves to be the case for newlywed lovebirds such as we are), amends had been made, confusion had lifted, hearts were understood, and love again reigned in our home... it's a direct result of being married to an amazing guy. we finished the evening out with a couple episodes of 'LOST', and slept peacefully through the night - and i woke up this morning, never having loved my husband more. as i go to sleep tonight without him, i'm praying to a God who knows us both, that He will continue teaching me to be better at this thing called "together". i'm confident that He who began this good work, will complete it... for the glory of His name.