oh Christmas tree...

It always amazes me, how quiet an apartment can become at the end of a day. As the Christmas tree stands twinkling against the wall, the road noises outside are softened even through the winter stripped trees, and I drink this hot chocolate and write. I'm thinking to myself, how sweet is tonight. I'm thinking to myself, I wish Tim were here.

It's been a very Ecclesiastes kind of day.

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Although life's circumstances have changed, I still seem to perpetually abide in the land of the in-between. We all do. Welcome to Earth. I have arrived, but I have not arrived. We are content, but we are still longing. My spirit rests, but my heart still beats, and my mind still processes. I will never understand the mystery fully - but as I grow, I continue to learn what a gift of God this is - to be designed as to depend upon Him. Constantly seeking, constantly finding... and then constantly seeking more. No matter what I have or where I live or what has changed... I still need. I still desire my God to feel nearer. Especially during the quiet evenings.

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Tim and I were very blessed to each receive a week off for Thanksgiving this year, and along with our families we packed our days with food, rest, shopping, board game-playing, and a lot of new memories. The time with our families was not near long enough, but though we crave more, I am so grateful to the Lord for the time we were given. This was our first holiday together as a married couple, and it was our first holiday to be distributed over two families... we've all heard the horror stories, but our experience was a huge success! Two Thanksgiving dinners, on two entirely different days... with things being spread out, we actually had room in our stomachs to enjoy each feast! It was a favorite, for sure.

At 12:00 a.m. on Black Friday, my parents, Jason, Whitney, Tim and I dove courageously into the lines and the crowds and did some Christmas shopping together. Four hours later, Tim and I returned home and crawled (almost literally) into bed. I have never gone out shopping like that on Black Friday, but it's a tradition in the O'Neill family... so I endeavored to carry my new name with pride. In a Macy's bag. As of this afternoon, I have half of my Christmas shopping done. There are two presents under the tree, and I am thankful to the Lord for the man they are addressed to. Holiday shopping is tricky now that we have joint bank accounts - but I have triumphed.

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* Author's note: When I typed the word 'triumph' above, I heard trumpets in my mind. It was to the tune of 'The Battle of Jericho', where in Sunday School we always used to loudly sing the line "AND THE WALLS CAME TUMBLING DOOOOOWN"... so of course, I then proceeded to shake and bob my head to the left and right, in keeping the beat of said trumpets that don't actually exist and are not actually playing. I then, as only a 27 year old adult female sitting alone in an apartment on a Thursday evening can, loudly embarked on the melodic journey of singing that ever popular line... complete with the decrescendo of the word "Down" at the end. It was very fun - and as there is no one else here to share it with, I am sharing it with you. I almost didn't. Bet you're glad I did.

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At the end of all this... what I am trying to say?

I woke up this morning, I got ready, I went to work, I did my job well, I got in my car and drove home to an empty (albeit cozy) apartment, and have kept myself a balanced level of entertained and productive for several hours. What could I possibly have to say, after an average day like this... after an average day of average moments, with seemingly nothing obvious to make it significant, noteworthy, or life changing. How can a person grow into something better, on a day like this... how can I grab hold of something better, as I sit trying to wrestle words out onto a computer screen?

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Here's what I'm trying to say.

Tonight, my heart feels a bit lonely - but not so much as to complain. I feel a bit dislodged - but not so much as to complain. A bit displaced... my brain is wired with energy I don't exactly know how to place or where to place it. I miss my husband while he is away, and I wrestle with the idea that there really is only so much that a person can truly express in a blog.

But I feel, even on nights like these, that there is joy to be had - and there is humor to be found - and there is true life that exists, even in the land of the (seemingly) in-between. Christmas trees are pretty, hot chocolate tastes lovely, and my apartment smells like a fireplace. And in my heart, I wonder - are these small details not enough to make a night like tonight meaningful, as long as He reigns over those details? In a stack of nights, could this one be separate... could this one stand alone? And the only thing that I can find that makes this night meaningful, is the fact that He has been invited. The only thing that makes it meaningful is His presence... and He is here. Alive, loving, teaching, and fulfilling... He is here.

It's enough.

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Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree... how truly lovely are your branches.