love awake

i've been wanting to write all day. seriously, it brings out the nerd in me. it's one thing to be writing - and it's another thing entirely to be wanting to write, almost aching to, without having time to do so. my brain goes into this "other world" where scraps of paper are confiscated for later as things of treasure, and i'm taking notes on my hands. my brain has been on overdrive, finally subscribing itself to work through every thought and dream and fragment of whimsy that has been collecting throughout this weekend. i desire paper, but this keyboard will do. paper will be there tomorrow when i get home... when i finally can sit in my huge, white writing chair with a cup of coffee and the luxury of time. i cannot WAIT. but, for now...

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although i know that a blog is a culturally-sanctioned place to write of "personal" things, i often do err towards the side of caution when it comes to removing the filters. it is partially grown of a conviction, an understanding of the responsibility of platform - to speak of that which is edifying; to encourage, to uplift, to point in the direction of redemption... to lead to Christ. but i confess - it is also partially due to fear. fear of the vulnerabilities on this journey, the unfinished products we call our days and our steps... fear of the in-between.

truth is, i know that people actually read this blog. i get emails from some of you, whom i didn't even know followed these musings. i know you're out there... and it scares me. :) because whether or not i intended, there is a platform that has been created - and all that is said, may actually be heard... may influence. may effect or change or inhibit or impede.

so... what should i say, when i know people are reading?

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i'll be completely, un-filtered-ly real, for one second.

today is Valentine's day. my heart hurts - both from fullness, and from emptiness. i am full from the Love that i know, and have known. i am empty of the love i hope to find, and still cannot seem to. i feel lost in a world of singles and in-betweens, and i feel very inadequate to walk this straight and narrow path with the confidence and the joy and the purity that i know is required of me. i feel more ready than ever, to know and be known - to have and to hold. today is Valentine's day, and i do not have a Valentine.

there. it is said.

... but.

as one declaration stands, let this one also stand higher: that in the absence of an earthly love, i have fallen deeper into the all consuming joy (albeit clumsily and messily), the burning fire that is become a passion, a love for the God who named me... the Lover of my soul. there is no other way to say it, all cliches cast aside. it is incredibly as poetic as it sounds, and one thousand times as lovely. it does in some very real way make all earthly things seem gray and shadowed - and in its light, fear struggles to abide.

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so. if we are speaking of real things - whether they be eternal or broken or in the process of being redeemed... then thank you for allowing me to say one final thing on this Valentine's Day:

no matter the plans i have had or let go of -

no matter the way the nights often feel -

no matter what He reveals to go and do tomorrow -

i know that His hands can heal.

He is the mender of broken things...

and by His love, i am made whole.

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Happy Valentine's Day,

Lauren