buzzing thoughts

it was getting a bit too lonely inside. outside is safer. out on this balcony, at least i can think straight. could just be the oxygen, though. or could it be that there really are fears and shadow things somehow dwelling inside the walls? questions for later. for now...

- - -

i'm sitting out here on our balcony. our balcony that will soon be my balcony. i'm still trusting God with this new thought, this new situation. i'm going to be living on my own again in a little over a month. details are not relevant for blogging - suffice it to say, God is moving again in ways i did not anticipate but do acknowledge as fitting and right. there has been a peace surrounding this transition that i am very grateful for, even though it is a heavy peace... like a thick blanket that comforts and remedies, at the same time that it binds and protects from the cold. it seems strange to think of blankets and cold in a moment when humidity and mosquitos reign supreme - yet when thinking of the way this current peace feels, there is no other metaphor to speak what my heart longs to explain.

a June bug just dive bombed onto the balcony, and i watched it buzz around on the ground before having mercy on its wounds. blogging and bug funerals. yes, they coincide tonight.

and no matter where these sentences wander, and no matter which thoughts these typing fingers choose to entertain, there is one threading thought... one mosquito thought, buzzing around through heart and body and mind tonight - and no prayer i have prayed today has served (if you will) as an efficient repellent. i wonder, am i praying the wrong way today? is my heart right with my God today? for still, the mosquito thought buzzes and buzzes... i want to talk to _____. it surprises me, because i don't know what i would want to say. i don't feel like this moment is lacking, in any way... yet i know that i want to talk to ______, and i wish _____ were here.

- - -

i continue to learn daily how much joy can be found in work. and considering that this past week has entailed at least 60 hours of such work for me, it is a divinely good thing that God has enabled me to perceive these labors as joy. in 13 days, i will move to nashville for 14 days. i am equal parts ready and trembling - my mind is what is ready, and my body is what is trembling, as it anticipates the long days and the short nights, surely bound to wear down this temple to resemble a cage if the Holy Spirit is not daily invited to dwell within it. but in my mind... i am excited, and cannot wait! our staff has prepared for this camp since last year's was over, and there is something about all this emo-edged chaos that suits me quite well :) but in the next 13 days... Lord, have mercy. i'm glad He is the Source of all, for in that knowledge of His character, i can rest and not grow weary.

and of course, a spider would begin spinning its web during this moment of my reverie. gross. ALAS - memphis bugs, and i am coerced back inside.

- - -

i give up.

here are some final thoughts from a tired girl:

My God cannot be held in by walls,

nor can He be held out by them.

His goodness is not affected by circumstances -

it is not limited by circumstances,

and it surely is not determined by them.

He is the only who can hold my thoughts captive,

while setting free, liberating my mind -

because i find true rest only in the knowledge of Him,

and in the pursuit of His thoughts.

whether i am lonely in a crowded room,

or feeling crowded in a lonely room,

His presence reaches through both noise and silence.

i am never without Him.

my God cannot be conquered -

ruled, or fettered,

overcome, measured, metered,

improved, removed,

duplicated or undone.

my God is...

and there is no other.