Of This, I Am Sure

There's a song that slipped into my playlist over the holidays, which had nothing at all to do with the holidays - but had everything to do with the end of 2014. It's a song I've known about for a few years, since Brooke Fraser came out with her 'Flags' album in 2010. I've listened to it many times, and I've sung along to the lyrics (which are posted, below).

I've understood the song. I've loved it, and Brooke's voice singing it. Its truth has resonated.

And then, last year happened.

- - -

Come, tell me your trouble.
I'm not your answer, but I'm a listening ear.
Reality has left you reeling...
All facts and no feeling,
No faith and all fear.

I don't know why a good man will fall, 
While a wicked one stands...
And our lives blow about,
Like flags on the land...

Who's at fault is not important
Good intentions lie dormant, 
And we're all to blame.
While apathy acts like an ally,
My enemy and I are one and the same...

I don't know why the innocents fall,
While the monsters still stand...
And our lives blow about,
Like flags on the land. 

I don't know why our words are so proud,
Yet their promise so thin...
And our lives blow about, 
Like flags in the wind.

You who mourn will be comforted,
You who hunger will hunger no more
All the last shall be first...
Of this, I am sure.

You who weep now will laugh again,
All you lonely, be lonely no more...
Yes, the last will be first - 
Of this, I am sure.

I don't know why the innocents fall
While the monsters still stand...
I don't know why the little ones thirst,
But I know the last shall be first.

I know the last shall be first.

(Flags, written by Brooke Fraser)

- - -

I was driving to work in early December, and heard that song for the first time in months... and my heart felt like a bomb went off inside. Oh, how those words made their way into my soul. 

I'm not going to lie to you, or dramatize the truth for blog-worthy effect... In this blog, you won't hear me say that 2014 was the year my faith became real - my faith has always been real to me. I also won't say it was the year I learned to trust God - because we are all hopefully learning, every day, to trust God more than we did the day before. Neither of those statements would be true to my testimony, my walk with Christ, or the work He has done in me in the past 30 years.

But I do believe that my faith underwent a solid year in the refiner's fire... and I do believe because of that, the quality of my faith and my love for God did undergo a change. I know these things in my soul. I can't describe it, but I feel it to be true.

In the same way that a marriage love changes and develops over a lifetime, so does our love for God. It doesn't only grow deeper, or grow taller like a tree or a flower... it changes. It is refined.

I struggle to find words.

- - -

The calendar year doesn't stop and start us over, no matter what our culture seems to think... we keep moving along, one seamless life, destined for eternity. December 31 to January 1, we are the same. We bring our questions with us into another year, and we also bring our dreams. Our prayers keep being lifted, our hands continue their wringing, and the Lord remains the truth we hold on to.

Last year was a maze, a forest, a study of extremes. Sunshine and shadows, highest highs, lowest lows... For every answer, it seemed like there were three more questions. One door would close, another would open - and it often wasn't the one we thought. It was a year of praising God for His faithfulness, and it was also a year of crying out for Him to bring swift mercy - or swift justice - and sometimes being so weary, not even caring which one. The details fade away, as time fades along with them... and all that is left are memories, answered prayers, and craters of those things that the Lord removed or allowed to pass away.

How can I even explain? How God can be the rock you cling to, and at the same time be the haven that hides you, and at the same time be the sovereign force you are tempted to question...

How He can be a home to rest in, at the same time as He is a righteous judge...? How all your senses can burn from grief, and yet your heart can know His peace and stand firm?

So burns the steady flame of the Refiner's fire. 2015 begins, and still, there are things my heart longs to understand... things I still question, and have no answers for. Things that still keep me on my knees, waiting. Hunger. Thirst. People I care about, who are lost. Things I ask God for, that do not happen. And I don't know why.

I don't know why the innocents fall,
While the monsters still stand...
And our lives blow about,
Like flags on the land. 

You who mourn will be comforted,
You who hunger will hunger no more
All the last shall be first...
Of this, I am sure.

You who weep now will laugh again,
All you lonely, be lonely no more...
Yes, the last will be first - 
Of this, I am sure.

- - -

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 5:3-10)