House, Home, and Country

"By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches." Proverbs 24:3-4

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At the beginning of September, we decided it was time to get the paperwork started. The next few weeks saw us purchasing the lot, finalizing closing costs, picking out carpet and cabinets, discussing exterior paint colors, and losing a fair amount of sleep in the process. We'll be moving next Spring to a house that's south of here - and although we're not going far, it will feel like a different world.

I never love the idea of leaving things behind... especially our first home. Emotional, for a girl like me. But neither the timing or the location could suit our family better, and we are ecstatic. It's just...

Change.

Why does my heart seize up when I hear the word? Will my reaction never get better? It's certainly gotten quicker and less noticeable to those around me through the years - but I still feel it. That bracing, that small ripple of anxiety in the pit of my stomach. That longing for eternity, that dread of goodbye. Change.

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I look down near my feet, and see my daughter contentedly playing with a simple toy. My husband sits across from me, reading a book. The sun is setting as we sit here in this room together, in this house we've made our home, and I'm fulfilled and grateful. I feel the ache of never wanting to leave this moment, or this place. But I must at some point, I know... I know.

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All the frames can be re-hung of course, and the walls will have a fresh coat of paint - and the pieces that represent some part of our favorite memories will be displayed, strewn, or placed "just so" on the new surfaces in a way that will be ours. And after all, it's not so much leaving the house itself that's the issue. There will be a new yard to play in, a new way the light comes through the windows, and new neighbors whom we hope to love well. The new is what makes it all okay, exciting, thrilling, and a fitting challenge.

The new part is the hello.

But there are a few months in between now and that hello, and the thoughts and emotions I'm processing today are of a different kind. It's these moments and times in my life when I learn to cling to and cherish the Savior who never changes, never leaves, never says goodbye.

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By wisdom it is built. By understanding it is established. By knowledge the rooms are filled.

Most mornings, before the sun is up I'm tip-toing out of our bedroom and grabbing a few books on the way. With coffee in hand, I enjoy a few minutes of quiet before the rest of the house wakes up. The yawns are long and it's a choice that doesn't always come easy, but the quiet is its own reward. I can't control anything except my own habits and behaviors, and I'm trying. The rest of my days are full of baby and husband things, work, church, and community things... but this time is my time with God. When He is the first thing to fill my cup, He overflows into everything else.

Sometimes, I only get through a few chapters and some prayer time before baby girl wakes up - but others, I can actually get some journaling done, along with some other reading and writing. It's the smallest choice, but it makes the biggest difference.

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In these transitory times inside the walls of my home and outside of it, the uncertainties and unknowns yell persistently and loudly - and there is no hope I have, or you have, or our nation has, or our world has, other than to listen for and obey the still, small voice of God. My experience has been that the more I listen for it, the louder it seems - and what once was still and small, can no longer be ignored.

So inside these four walls of brick and mortar, all I can do is keep digging my knees into the floor.

God the Father, who takes care of and provides for, who knows and sees, who understands and is sovereign over. He is the difference between houses and homes, tragedy and victory, disgrace and honor. A change of address, a change of life, a change of president... no matter. May my heart be more captive by His banner than by a flag.

And whether into this old carpet or the new hardwood floors, may the grooves get deeper.