Emmanuel (God With Us)

I had intended to post this three weeks ago. However, due to the emotional nature of it, I decided to let things rest for a little while before posting. Since that time, a few conversations with various people in my life have prompted me to go ahead and post my original, undiluted thoughts. Also since that time, some of the circumstances you will read about, have changed... or at the very least, are moving along swiftly. I pray that the transparency of this post is useful. Welcome to my heart.

- - -

About October 3, 2013. 

I couldn't focus on what we were watching on television. I couldn't focus on anything. My skin was flushed, tears held back, fighting gravity - both the natural law, and the quality of the moment. My emotions kept circling around my thoughts, like vultures prey on something weak or wounded. Then Tim reached over and grabbed my hand.

Tears lost the fight.

All we could do is lay there on the couch, knowing. Knowing he would be leaving the next day, for a long time. The longest time he has ever been away from me, so far. Knowing it was all for a great purpose, a great opportunity. Yet... knowing. And in my case, crying.

Fall-Tour season is upon us - and for Tim and me right now, that means a season of largely separate lives for the next month. It is a season of geographic, physical separation - and if we are not extra attentive and gracious to one another, it can end up being a season of emotional separation as well.

It is a season of financial blessing. A season when Tim gets to focus and grow, by doing the work he loves. And me? I have ample time to invest in my inner growth, and the cultivation of friendships. It's a season to get all my projects done around the house, and to read all those books that have been piling up, on my 'To-Read' lists.

But preparing for it... how do I do that? Every single time, it's the same thing. Even after two years of this crazy work-rhythm, I still can't seem to get this right. I can't seem to figure out how to be a 'good wife', and not fall apart every time he leaves. I can't figure out how to shake the struggle, of doing things on my own again. I can't seem to have a good enough attitude to make it easier.

I still have no idea how to prepare for the loss. I still have no clue if it will ever get easier... I still have no clue if it is even supposed to be easier.

All I can do is pray.

- - -

No matter what my head knows about Tim's absence, and why it has to be this way for just a little while, my heart does not seem to cooperate... it leaves me feeling halved, and incomplete. I feel overwhelmed by the next 46 days, without him here. Without his company, his protection, his warmth beside me in the middle of the night. No matter that his return is marked on the calendar, I alone have to figure out the answer to this question: How do I fill the next 46 days?

You can plan it out on a calendar, reach out to friends, build in some variety to your schedule, and set up some damage control for your own personality... but your heart can't quite ever prepare for it.

I've at least learned that much, the past two years. (And counting.)

- - -

For someone who has struggled with loneliness throughout my life, these seasons can be a real battle for me. I have to cling to the Lord, tightly. White knuckle tightly, at moments. It is a temptation for me, when I see these impending stretches of absence approaching, to allow my heart to re-engage in a familiar panic. It feels like loss. It feels like lonely. It's a struggle sometimes, to move beyond those feelings.

But move past them, I must. And every single time, the Lord helps me to do just that.

These seasons draw me closer to the God I read about in the Bible. They take all the knowledge I have about His sufficiency, and all the Scripture verses I have memorized, and test them out with fear and trembling... in my own life. In my own heart. In my home, in my bed at night, at my kitchen table in the mornings. Never ceasing.

I am learning through experience, that anything which allows less than a complete dependence on God, is not God's best for me. He can - and will - use any weakness that I find in myself or in my circumstances, and use it to showcase His strength. He does it every time.

Never ceasing.

- - -

About October 4, 2013. 
 
This morning, I dropped Tim off at the airport. I will not see him, for quite a while.

When we were standing there on the curb, all of his suitcases waiting on the ground, Tim prayed for us. For me. He asked God to be near. He prayed over this next month, as we live our lives largely separate. As we learn how to cling. As we learn - really learn it, deep in our hearts, even deeper into our souls - that our God is sufficient.

I came home, and walked upstairs into his (now) quiet office. It was so quiet, I could hear myself breathing... my heart pounding in my ears. The panic. I can't do this. I can't do this.

The still, small Voice I have come to love so dearly, fought its way into my heart, in that moment. Past the pounding in my ears, and the panic settling in. Into the quiet office that screamed at me of Tim's absence, seeming to mock my feeling of loss... that still, small Voice, offering comfort. Offering strength. Offering a better way than lonely.

Offering Himself.

- - -

Now... About October 23.

Loneliness is something that has caused me a lot of shame, throughout the years. I have been embarrassed by it, and the way it seems to plague me. I have prayed more about loneliness and fear, than any other thing in my entire life. It has caused distance in some relationships. It has prompted insecurities, that I believe would not otherwise exist in me.

I hate it.

And I have come to know the Lord most, through it... through His using it, to beckon me to Himself. It has taught me the meaning of His name. Emmanuel. God with us. God with me.

- - -

I recently wrote a devotional for my church's website. It won't post until November 6, but I submitted it a few weeks ago... a couple days after Tim had gone. The passage of Scripture that I was tasked to create a devotional for, was Romans 8:28-39. Many of you may recognize perhaps the most 'popular verse' of these, which is:

"For I am persuaded that not even death or life, angels or rulers, things present or things to come, hostile powers, height or depth, or any other created thing will have the power to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (8:38-39)

In my devotion, I wrote that if we are children of God, we are no longer lost... even though there are moments that we may feel like we are, lost is not the reality we live in anymore. God has claimed us, set us apart, and has created a purpose in our hearts - one which He will fulfill, and has the power to accomplish.

Can I just tell you... How difficult it was to write that, and submit it for publishing on a church website, when that is EXACTLY how I felt?! Yeah. Lost and lonely. I get it. I feel it. I don't want to write about it. I don't have anything to say, to encourage others... I am in the thick of it.

I had to do some major praying and surrendering, the night before the devotional was due. The words weren't flowing. Everything I would write, seemed hypocritical.

Until the Lord made it real.

An edited version of this will be published on the website, but this is the original... this is what came out of the surrender.

"For the times I feel like I am drowning, it is comforting to remember that in Christ, the drowning is merely a feeling. I am not drowning. The depths I feel I am in, are an ocean already underneath His feet. The One who walked on water, keeps the planets in orbit, and names the stars... this is the One who keeps me safe and helps me find my way in the dark. 

No matter how our flesh may sometimes feel, the reality of God's truth and love overwhelms and overrules this feeling of being lost. Of being alone. It no longer has a place in our life. We are God's children. He designed us, pursued us, died for us, and claimed us. We are no longer lost. We are no longer alone. We will never be truly alone, ever again."

- - -

My husband was able to come home for a few hours, two days ago - and it was perfect. He is now gone again, for a few more weeks - and then the tour will be over, on my birthday (of all days!)

I am making it, and I am growing through this time. I am hurting through it, and learning to cling. But like Tim prayed at the airport right before he left... this season is teaching us to rely on God. It is illuminating Him more, in our marriage. It is hard. And yes, at times, it is very lonely.

But at the end of the day, in my heart, I know the truth of this:

That it is worth it, to be able to pray and hear God answer. It is worth it, to be needy, and watch God provide. It is worth it, to know loneliness...

And to finally understand, Emmanuel.