Waiting (A Heart's Desire)

(I started this blog post one week ago. At the time, I didn't anticipate that I'd still be wrestling with its subject matter, one week later. But, here we still are... and here I still am.)

- - - 

Sunday, November 1

The following lyrics have been a comfort to me, this morning:

In the process... in the waiting,
You're making melodies over me.
And Your presence is the promise,
For I am a pilgrim on a journey.

A pilgrim. A pioneer. A scared little girl, waiting for her heart's desire. The circumstances are different this time, but the feelings are the same. I've been here before... we all have. We are all familiar with the waiting.

We wait for the baby to arrive.
We wait for that phonecall.
We wait to meet our spouse.
We wait to receive clarity.
We wait for things to change.
We wait for the wall to fall down.
We wait to hear the battle cry.

But so often what we're really doing behind each of those circumstances... is we're trying to sit perfectly still, so we don't miss anything. One day after the other, afraid to move, with our eyes trained on the horizon... wondering if He'll actually show up.

Wondering...
Has He forgotten?
Has He forgotten me?
Has He forgotten the desire of my heart?

- - -

Sunday, November 8

Today, I woke into a time warp. Every minute has felt like twenty, and every movement has felt like walking through quicksand. I have wanted nothing more - I have wanted nothing, period - other than to finally meet my daughter. Hold her sweet hand for the first time, touch her face, breathe her in.

We still wait - and I wouldn't have believed you if you'd tried to explain to me how difficult this waiting would be.

But at the end of this day... I must sit back and reconcile this reality, with what I know to be true - haven't I been here before, hundreds of times? The circumstances are different, certainly - but haven't I experienced this feeling before? This restless, insecure feeling, deep inside - not sure what I should be doing with my time, not sure how I should be feeling about everything that's happening, not sure what everyone else does or has done in this same situation...

This frenetic scanning of the horizon, one more time, one more day. Wondering.

Waiting for my heart's desire.

- - -

"Trust in the Lord, and do good; 
Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. 
Delight yourself also in the Lord, 
and He shall give you the desires of your heart. 
Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, 
and He shall bring it to pass. 
He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, 
and your justice as the noonday.
 Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him... 

The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord,
And He delights in his way.
Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down;
For the Lord upholds him with His hand.
I have been young, and now am old;
Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken,
now his descendants begging bread." 

(Psalm 37:3-7, 23-25)

These verses never grow weary, yet how often I forget them in my weariness. But tonight, they are once again made new... and tonight, they once again have lit the next few steps ahead of me.

So I train my eyes on the horizon. Pilgrim on a journey, for whom His presence is the promise... and I wait in hope. I wait in truth.

And suddenly... there. On the horizon. Right when I had almost closed my eyes. Right when I had almost looked away, lost my hope, lost my grip, and fallen...  On the horizon. Walking towards me...

There He is. 

The desire of my heart.