I Can't See My Feet

It's finally happened... the reality I've been anticipating for the past several weeks. I can no longer see my feet.

But I can feel hers, more and more. Kicking, shuffling, dancing... At the same time my own have disappeared from view, hers have become an increasingly constant reminder of God's goodness. Every time she moves, she testifies to it. It's overwhelming to me, that before she will even speak His name with her voice, she is already speaking it with her life.

As we all did. As we all do.

- - -

A few days ago, I stood at the top of a staircase I've walked up and down thousands of times. It's fairly narrow, and at the moment it was darkened - but still, it was familiar.

However... this time, I experienced a split-second of panic as I looked down.

I've never walked down those stairs before while pregnant. I've never walked down those stairs with extra baby weight knocking off my center of gravity, while unable to see my feet. It's easy to overcome, and entirely not a big deal - all you do is crane your neck a bit, adjust your footing, and proceed as usual. But for a split-second, it was new... and for that split-second, I was afraid. Afraid of falling, of breaking my body and my baby's body, of death, of something equally ridiculous and disproportionate to the reality of the moment.

And isn't that usually how it goes.

Life will be moving along a certain way, at a certain pace, in a certain direction. Steps and pathways become so familiar, you could walk them in the dark with no injury. You disengage, your mind finds home in safety, and habit takes over.

And then, something changes. You can't see your feet anymore.

Something gets moved in the room, and you stumble in the dark. You look down that flight of stairs, and your new circumstances leave you feeling vulnerable, covered in a sheen of cold-sweat. And in that moment, despite how silly it might seem... you're afraid.

- - -

When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You. (Psalm 56:3)

When I am afraid, these are most often the things I fear:

Tornadoes.
Public speaking.
Loneliness.
Wasps.
Losing someone I love.
Being ignorant.
Large social functions.
Misarticulating truth.

Each of these things express something about me - and most of our fears do. But regardless of their root, Christ's power is stronger, runs deeper, and holds faster.

I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me. He freed me from all my fears. (Psalm 34:4)

Fear is something that Jesus said a lot about in His ministry here on earth... which implies it's something that was then, and is now, epidemic. This comforts me. Not because I intend to stay fearful, in the comfort of the majority - but because I don't stand at the top of those staircases alone.

According to Jesus' own words, we don't need to worry about our future (Luke 12:22-26). We don't need to be afraid of people or how they can impact our lives (Matthew 10:28). We also don't need to worry about things we can't understand, or that seem to upend our realities (Luke 8:40-53).

In numerous Scriptural accounts, Jesus directly spoke into the emotional upheaval of his disciples in their moments of fear. And what is interesting to me is that many of those accounts were when they were out fishing or doing something equally routine and familiar... and then something changed.

Like that time when the storms began knocking the boat back and forth, and they thought they would die (Mark 4:35-41). Or that other time, when they saw a white "ghost" hovering over the dark water, against the black sky. (Matthew 14:26-27) When Jesus, their friend, was suddenly transfigured before their eyes into something more... something new (Matthew 17:1-8).

- - -

When circumstances change, we are encouraged to remember the God who doesn't change. If we have accepted Christ as our Savior, this is the message we have received and hidden deep within our hearts. This is the truth whose roots permeate us deeper than our fears.

For those times when the storm unsettles our sea. For those times when we see ghosts upon the water, or have our realities changed before our eyes.

For those times when we stand at the tops of staircases, and can no longer see our feet.

I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me. He freed me from all my fears. (Psalm 34:4)