First Comes Love...

After weeks of sweet silence... it is time. In autumn, we will become a family of three. In His perfect timing, the Lord is giving us the desire of our hearts.

We are excited, relieved, grateful, and THRILLED! What can I even say...?

There has been a quietness in me the past several weeks. It echoes of the deep peace I feel, and also of the settling sound of this new mantle of responsibility upon me. All my life, I have desired this. All of my life, I have prepared (and been being prepared) for this.

Yes, Lord... I am ready.
No, Lord... I am not.

In the tension of those two truths, I make my bed and sleep peacefully. The Lord is the Maker of every good and perfect thing. That truth ricochets inside my heart, my mind, my body, my spirit... claiming and re-claiming every part it touches. Yes, Lord... I am ready.

- - -

Even before we knew for sure, we had been praying - and we had been trying to prepare our lives and our hearts, for the moment when God would answer our prayers. Our world was already dramatically changing under the surface, before we knew for sure - and now that we know, our world continues to change at an even more rapid pace.

Those were the parts I expected... the onset of the changes, and even some of the specific changes themselves. But the part I didn't expect is how many things have stayed the same... And this has been the part that has kept my heart pondering, in fullness and quiet.

I am still just me.

I am going to be a mother, but I am still only me. All my victories, my failures, my strengths, insecurities, prejudices, and my moments of surrender... all of it is still right here. I will bring all of it with me into this next season of motherhood - along with a few extra pounds, some bizarre food cravings, and nine months-worth of daydreams and prayers.

It will all come with me into the hospital room, and it will be with me in every sleepless hour. It will respond to every cry and every laugh, and help me discern what to do. It will mingle with all the new things I will learn, and it will make room for every new memory I will cherish... and it will multiply. As the love for my new son or daughter waters it and shines upon it like the sunshine, it will grow... and even then, I will still be just me.

This is the part that keeps me quiet, humming lullabies from someplace deep within me. Joy is an incredibly full thing.

It all is the same, and yet nothing is the same. And in the same way that a person lifts their face to the sun and feels joy and relief in the power of its warmth upon them, my face is now lifted to the God who has once again made a good and perfect thing. From the place where no word is, I declare this with joy and confidence...

Yes, Lord...
Because of Your goodness, and the ways You have loved me...
I am ready.