Respect

Up until a few years ago, I actually thought of myself as a fairly respectful person. I based that assumption on several basic realities.

I don't mouth-off to authority. I have good manners. Saying "yes ma'am", please, and thank you is my default setting. I don't talk smack to my mama. If you are raised in the South, in the church, by two great parents, then you better at least have this minimum down-pat. 

But most anyone with a brain can be taught good manners. Is this really all it means, to be a respectful person? I don't believe so.

And despite what some Southern girls would have you believe, charm certainly doesn't equal respect, either... flattery comes from a very different well than honor. (Prov. 28:23; Prov. 27:14) Respect isn't something they teach in the sorority houses, and our culture is way worse off because of it. But that's another blog.

Good manners don't equate respect, and neither does charm or flattery. Respect actually has very little to do with you, at all - and even being aware of others (being conscientious) can only get you halfway there. Conscientiousness acknowledges the possibility that others may feel or experience needs different than your own, but in and of itself can't provide the means for honoring or satisfying them.

So what bridges that gap, between all these things and true respect?

I've been learning about this subject a lot the past three years. It has permeated many areas and relationships in my life - but predominately, figuring out this issue of respect has impacted my marriage the most.

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Here's some things you may not know, that need to be said real quickly here... I married a really good man. He loves the Lord, he's cute, keeps his truck smelling nice, and knows how to cook. He works  hard at his job, and has a great reputation in his field. He's the kind of guy a lot of country songs are written about, and he honors my parents as well as his own.

But as great as all these things are, they aren't the real reasons why I respect him (or even strive to).

Respect, especially within a marriage, is not something to be earned - it is something to be given freely, as unto the Lord. 

Scripture tells us to respect our husbands. Period. Without condition. Not only because we feel he deserves it, or doesn't deserve it one day to the next. Our marriages are to be a picture of Christ's love for us. We are asked by God to respect our husbands, as unto the Lord, because it is how the Lord designed us to function best within our marriages, for His glory.

When we learn to humble ourselves and defer to another, we are posturing ourselves like Christ. (Phil. 2:5-8) When we choose to love, without condition, we are posturing ourselves like Christ. (1 Cor. 13:7) When we honor our husbands, as God intended, we are posturing ourselves like Christ, in obedience. (Eph. 5:33)

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I didn't get married until I was almost 27 years old, and I have to admit - all those years when I was single and dreaming of a husband, I didn't spend a whole lot of time thinking about the real meaning of respect. Respect as an act of obedience to God. As an act of selfless, unconditional, redeemed love.

In Ephesians 5:33, Paul says to the church in Ephesus: "Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband." She must see to it… that sounds pretty emphatic - and still, that same exhortation is mentioned many more times throughout the New Testament. We cannot fail to acknowledge the importance of this.

(And for the husbands out there, here's what it says about the proper way to respect your wife: Proverbs 4:8: "Prize her, and she will exalt you; she will honor you if you embrace her." The word honor in this context is referring to a state of being regarded with great respect... Have fun with this. You'll be surprised how much it might rock your wife's world.)

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I realize, in closing, that all of this is entirely counter-cultural... but it's effective, and it is worth the effort to re-wire our brains (and our hearts) on this issue. Tim and I are proof, as are every single husband and wife that have ever wrestled with this issue before the Lord and tried to apply it in their marriage.

This issue of respect in marriage is imperative, and it is paramount. In a world where our culture continues to implode and glorify all that is self-absorbed and self-rewarding, this effort to look outward to one another and upward to Christ can do nothing short but revolutionize our hearts and minds... which is the point of all of this, after all. (Romans 12:2)