Intellection

Lately... I've been learning. A lot. At a rapid pace that for the most part, delights me. I've been learning about church history and theology, in a new class I'm taking. I've been learning a lot about my place of impact and ministry, at work, at church, and in my own home and marriage. I've been learning about my health, about discipline, and about trust.

And above all, I've been learning how to pray. I've been learning how to kneel, all over again. To empty, to surrender, to offer, to give.... to listen. To come apart, for the being remade.

I've been learning how to read my Bible, in a new way that has changed my life. (If any of you have ever read Donald Whitney's book, Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life... then you understand.) I've been learning to take up the sword of the Spirit, and wield it for battle. I've been learning the power of claiming promises that have already been made. Claiming them in the name that lately sounds most to me like Abba, or Immanuel. Father. One who is with me.

I've been learning that worry, doubt, fear, and insecurity... they need to be over in me. All my prayers lately, and everything I've been reading and hearing from Scripture, fill my thoughts with the truth of this. It's time for those chains to come off. It's impossible without Christ. So I'm learning how to lean...

Quite wonderfully, I'm learning how to give up.

- - -

The past few weeks have felt scattered and intensely focused, both at once. A couple weeks ago, another stone was turned in regards to my health - and since that afternoon's telephone call, I've been busy. Busy researching about Adrenal Fatigue, busy trying to rest (who would have thought a person would have to try?!), and busy reading books about health, nutrition, recovery, and a lot of other overwhelming subjects. One minute, I feel hopeful and optimistic about the clarity of next steps - and a second later, I am fighting against an internal panic. How will this impact my future? What if all I'm doing isn't enough? 

It's a lot of moments working through what feels like a dark forest, or a maze, or a hallway covered in webs. Like I said... I'm learning a lot. And on that note... can I mention how much I've been learning about how to appreciate my husband, in ways I simply did not understand before? He has been a rock to me, the way God designed husbands to be. He's been Jesus to me, in the flesh. I didn't know that love could go run so deep... deep like roots into the soil, grounding me, holding me. Being strength for me when I have none left.

I've been learning.

I'm energized by the steps we're taking toward healing... and I'm also weary. One of my current symptoms is that sleep is erratic - making for some great days, and also some more difficult ones. I'm grateful for naps, an easy work schedule, good doctors, and for a mom who has dropped everything to be a friend and helper to me through all of this. At a certain point, there cease to be words.

- - -

(Psalm 139)

"O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up.
You understand my thought from afar.
You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways..."

I am learning that You are Understanding.

"You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me..."

I am learning that You are Safety.

"Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me."

I am learning that You are Near.

"If I say, 'Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,'
Even the darkness is not dark to You, 
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You..."

I am learning that You are Fearless.

"Your eyes have seen my unformed substance,
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them..."

 I am learning that You are Sovereign.

"Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts,
And see if there is any hurtful way in me,
And lead me..."

I am learning that You are my Hope.

- - -

All of these things, and more... so much more. Always, I am learning.