breaking dawn

"... so i would choose to be with you -

that's if the choice were mine to make.

but you can make decisions too -

and you can have this heart to break.

... and so it goes, and so it goes...

and you're the only one who knows."

- Billy Joel, "And So It Goes"

- - -

on a night when it is storming outside, but not quite strong enough to fear - i'm sitting out on the balcony, relishing the tumult of the atmosphere, and thinking about the dawn.

the dawn that has hovered over my life lately, the fingertips of morning and the fresh mercies to be found within it. because this is how it has seemed lately... that hope was rising, light was forming, shadows dissipating and mind awakening from sleep.

for the past two weeks, my heart has been in a state of that first stretch of morning... when you're still lying in bed, your brain is on the edge of reality - and before today's tasks can be fully understood, there is a pause... there is a stretch, a yawn. flesh re-acquainting itself with all that is real.

so has been my life, these past two weeks.

i feel like i am being re-acquainted with all that is real. like the past several months have been a horrid dream that i am ready to wake from. hibernation may have provided rest, but it has stolen my strength and has made this hunger intolerable. thank the Lord for new mercies like new jobs, new church, new friends, new hopes... because i am ready to kick off these covers and enjoy the dawn.

- - -

my last shift at Pier 1 will be this upcoming Monday. admittedly, this transition is bittersweet - i feel that by leaving, i am saying an official and final goodbye to old dreams that must be let go. i will be allowing a door to close that i have been holding open, in various ways, for 7 years. there is a piece of myself - or at least, a piece of my self's adornment - that i am somewhat "giving up" on... that of pursuing the home furnishings industry, and using that particular skill-set in that particular way at those particular places. it is scary for me to let go of such a focused plan... but when focused becomes merely a mask to cover narrow, it is a good time to re-evaluate.

and then i had a job offer from a completely unexpected place... the church i have recently come to love more and more, River City Church. an opportunity to serve in a new way, and to use a completely different skill set than i have been able to use in a long time. it's so simple really - but it feels like home. the team of people i'm working with are each incredible and talented individuals, and my heart has been wonderfully pummeled by this unforeseen extension of grace.

for the first time in months... i feel safe. i feel safe here.

- - -

... and so it goes, and so it goes.

and you're the only one who knows.